On being heartbroken and sticking to your convictions

Time check: 12:54 AM

I never thought I'd write in this blog again but here I am.

Last night was one of those sad and lonely nights. I was full of emotions and thoughts.

Few minutes before 7:00 PM, dressed in a long, blue patterned maxi, I was hurriedly walking along the streets of Cologne to make sure that I will not be late. Thankfully, I arrived on time. The weather was perfect. Summer came in early, specifically the third week of April. I picked up my phone and was supposed to message him that I was already there in our meeting place, in front of Starbucks. Then, as I turned, I saw this tall, young man. We looked at each other. And he said my name. We greeted each other and as I was about to extend my hand for a handshake, I saw him giving me a hug. I also hugged him and felt his cheeks near the temple of my head. He was very tall - 6 feet 3 inches. We then headed to the restaurant. It serves Spanish cuisine. We ordered a plate of Tapas, fried potatoes, goat cheese, and two glasses of wine - red wine for him and rosé for me. I wanted to take a picture of the food (because it looks so pretty but also, because I wanted to have a souvenir of our first date) but I got so shy I decided to just not do it. We had a nice conversation, delving on different topics - from our courses in the university to the countries we've been and the experiences we had along the way to our current situation. He was easy to talk to and I felt like we had a good rapport with each other. But that was up until he brought the question, "Why are you on Tinder?" Of course I said my intention which was to meet new people and if our personalities complement each other then that's a big bonus even though the probability is very low. And, indeed, it is very low.  When it's his turn, he directly told me his intention, which was just to have sex. He said he just broke up with his girlfriend so he is not yet ready to be in a relationship but he's only looking for casual sex. And right after he said that, my world just turned upside down. Deep in my heart, I was hoping he would say something different. Suddenly, I told him that we're in the exact opposite ends of the spectrum. We talked about how sex is just a normal part of life, of young and old, here in Germany. Then after some time, we changed the topic. I tried to forget what we just talked about but it's been said and done. The whole dinner and conversations lasted for almost three hours. We talked some more while walking. When we reached the nearby area where he will take the tram, we said our goodbyes. He wished me luck in my research and in meeting new people. I wished him the same. He said something along the lines of "Who knows, maybe we'll meet again." I just couldn't remember his exact words. And then I walked away.

I walked feeling sad, feeling like I lose a good catch because he is indeed a good catch. He almost ticked the things that I want in a man:

• intelligent
• doesn't smoke
• has a good and stable job (He's an engineer.)
• tall
• neat
• kind

And those direct eye contact while talking with each other. Maybe it's a German thing, but the way he looked at my eyes, it says that he is really paying attention.

It was all gone. I will never have someone like him in my life.

When I arrived in my apartment, thoughts came rushing in my head again. If only I also want what he wants. If only it's just easy for me to give up what I believe in... But it's not! In the end, I still stand on my convictions, on things that I believe are right, on things that have shaped my younger years and still play a role in my present self.