Moments in 2017: A Reflection

Again, I have to say this, "Time flies!" I guess when one gets older, time suddenly passes by fast compared to when one was still a child. And look where we are now! Hello December! It's only a month before the year ends and I just want to take this moment to reflect on what my 2017 was/is all about.

This year has brought me to the happiest and saddest moments of my life.

I'll start with the saddest first. Saddest, because my grandmother passed away. I still remember that faithful day of  the 18th of April. It was about 5:30 am and I was preparing for the day when my phone rang. At first, I thought it was my alarm but then it was a call from my mom. She told me what happened and right at that moment, tears started flooding my eyes. We know my Lola is in a bad condition, we know that she's dying but you still cannot be prepared when that moment, death, actually happens. Up to this day, I still have thoughts of What if I traveled a day before instead of planning to go home on Friday, then maybe I will be by my Lola's side during her last breath? There is still guilt in me that I haven't done the right thing. When my brother told me the details of Lola's last moments, it's as if it's happening in front of me. He's a nurse so he knows what's happening and what's coming next. And now that I think of it, if I was there, I wouldn't be able to handle the situation in a calm way. I'm a very emotional person (though I rarely let others see what I truly feel) so I can just imagine the panic and drastic feelings I'll be having if I was there. But then again, I still wish I was there. I was hoping that my Lola would still get through it, that she'll be healed and get back to normal because I don't want her to die with a frail body. I don't want her to die suffering. I want her to die happy and in peace. But God has better plans than mine. In the end, what's important is that she's now with the Lord. I just hope she's looking at me now from the heavens. On a lighter note, I also hope that she's whispering to God my heart's desires.

Taken last February at the wedding of one of her grandchildren.
I really love the way she looks here. She seems very happy.

Happiest, because my dream of pursuing a PhD has finally become a reality. And I just couldn't ask for a better place than where God has put me now. I will always, always be grateful for this opportunity. Getting here was never easy but it's all worth it. I applied to a lot, and I mean really a lot, of graduate programs back in 2016. Then, I saw a scholarship announcement in January this year. I sent my application and, fortunately, I was one of the candidates who get into the interview stage, then another interview, and finally I get the acceptance letter. It was fast getting my visa but acquiring the exit clearance was a different kind of level. It was a nightmare, with all the bureaucratic and very slow processing of papers. I've never been so stressed and angry in my life than that. Two days before my flight, that's the only time I got my exit clearance. Anyway, as they say, all's well that ends well.

So, that probably sums up my 2017. We still have a month so let's see if there are still some surprises.

P.S. Oh, speaking of surprises, the other day I got a [bad] surprise. I got into my first bike accident here in Germany. I was in a hurry that morning and was supposed to transfer from the road to the sidewalk/bike lane but I haven't noticed the level was a bit high and the road was wet, my tire didn't get through and then, everything was a mess. I fell face down on the cement. Got some wounds and bruises in my face, a bleeding mouth, a loosened front tooth, and a big wound in my right knee. And a day before that, I got bitten by a mouse while in training. Life is certainly full of surprises! Huhu!

Dreams to Reality

It's been a week already since I arrived and a simple way of celebrating is by strolling and exploring the areas surrounding the institute. After work, I bought a chocolate-filled croissant and ate it while walking. While enjoying the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze, the beautiful architecture of apartments, and the people just passing by, I still can't believe that all this is happening.

What was once a dream is now a reality.

I will always be thankful to God because, indeed, everything is perfect in His time. I may have waited several years, but everything is more than I had hoped for. To my family, Mama, Papa, and Nikko, for supporting me every step of the way and for loving me, even in my most unlovable moments. To my Lola, for being a big part of my life; you are an inspiration, and I hope I make you proud up there in heaven. To my mentors, previous teachers and supervisors at work, for imparting knowledge and honing my skills. To my friends, for listening to my rants and anxieties and for cheering me up (You all know how paranoid and negative I can be sometimes). To my current supervisor, for believing in me and accepting me even though I come from a different field (from plants, I will now be working on mice, though I have yet to learn how to handle them). To my scholarship provider, the Marie Curie Fellowship, and my host institute, the Max Planck Institute for Biology of Ageing, for equipping young minds into becoming the scientists they ought to be. Thank you very much!

To all the dreamers out there, young and old, if there's one thing I've learned in this whole process, it is to never give up on one's dreams. But I tell you, it's easier said than done. The truth is, you need to work hard for it, try over and over and over again even if you fail. Trust me, I know how it feels. Also, there's definitely a moment where you would cry hard on it. It will be emotionally exhausting but never let that stop you. And most importantly, you need to talk to God, pray if your dream is really His will for you, and if it's not, pray that He may lead you to the path He has destined for you.

Sharing Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Life These Days

A few weeks ago, in a newly opened bookstore in town, I decided to browse and buy something interesting to read. It took me about half an hour to get through most of the stuff. Then, as I flipped the pages of the book 365 Days of Wonder, I found this:

Such an interesting thought by Edward Morgan Forster. And I guess, in one way or another, this applies to most of us. I, for one, have just experienced what it's like to let go of my initial plans and go with what life has in store for me. But just to clarify, this doesn't mean that we just wait for what's going to happen without having some sort of plan or setting some goals. It's still important to have them because they will be our guide, our map to living the life we want.

I have always wanted to do a PhD abroad. After finishing my Masters in South Korea in 2013, I went back to the Philippines to prepare and search for PhD programs and, at the same time, to work. In 2015, I started reviewing for TOEFL and GRE, and took both in October of the same year. My plan was to study PhD in the United States which requires TOEFL and GRE. My TOEFL was good, however, my GRE was a disaster so I reviewed again and planned to retake in the coming months. In 2016, I started emailing professors and applying to various graduate school programs (mostly in Europe and Australia since I haven't taken my GRE yet). Then, US elections came and the results made me rethink about my plans. The US economy looks fragile and funding for research was not that high. Now, this is the part where E.M. Forster's quote comes in. I decided to let go of my plans of doing PhD in the US. I abandoned it but I did not abandon my dream of pursuing a PhD. I knew that I just have to look for other options. I still continued to search for programs and vacancies. Then, in January of this year, I found a scholarship announcement for PhD Studentships at the site of Nature Jobs. I submitted my application to the coordinator and it was forwarded to the Principal Investigator (PI). The PI then contacted me. And the rest is history... Haha just kidding! To make the long story short, after getting through interviews, I was finally accepted! *insert HAPPINESS*

So, in everything that we do, I think it's important to be guided by our dreams or goals but also (as what E.M. Forster said) be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Never Give Up

If you remember my intro in my post about Pinto Art Museum - about my life these days and that I have some great news to share. I think now is the time to talk about that. =)

Finally, finally! I've been accepted in a PhD program! (This gal is a bit teary eyed right now.) It's been my goal for several years already (all my entries can be found in the label Road to PhD) and now, it's starting to become a reality.

I would say the whole PhD application process was not an easy road. I applied to a lot of grad schools and emailed professors in different countries since January 2016 and every time, it was either "There's no vacant position." or "You are not accepted." or no reply at all. It was depressing and emotionally draining. Every time I get rejected, I checked another school, another professor. And then I get rejected again. It came to a point of even asking myself whether I still deserve to do a PhD. Self-pity and weariness took over. That's the point where I realized I need to surrender my dreams to God. One weekend this January, I had a very honest, soul-baring talk to Him. I prayed, cried, demanded answers, and just said every single thing that's running in my mind. I did not hear any answer at that moment but after sometime, I got the answers. Things started to fall into place. On the fourth week of January, I received an email from a scientist in one of the PhD programs I applied to at the start of this year. It was very encouraging. Week after week, interview after interview, prayer after prayer, I was finally accepted in his group. I've been meaning to do biomedical research and now it's finally becoming a reality.

So, I guess, what I get from the whole experience is that it's a test of patience and perseverance - that we should never give up on our dreams no matter what, no matter how long it takes. And that it's also a walk of faith - that God's plans are what's best for us and His timing is always perfect. And He has given me people who also play a part in making my dream a reality:

• my family who has always been there for me since Day 1, who has always supported and loved me, especially in my unlovable moments;
• my previous supervisors in the Submergence team, advisers/professors in my undergrad and masters, and supervisor in my current work, for not only sharing their knowledge but also for influencing and helping me navigate in the field of scientific research and for the recommendation letters they made countless of times in all my grad school applications;
• my friends who have been a shoulder to cry on whenever I discuss my PhD dream and the rejections I encountered along the way and who also lend a helping hand during the interview process (someone became my consultant and gave some interview do's and don'ts and another came with me when I needed to do interviews at the office and one time, we even spent the whole night at the office for a late night interview).

I will forever be grateful and honored to have all these amazing people in my life.

Ultimately, my dreams and sacrifices, my achievements and failures, every bit of my being, I offer them all to God. To God be the glory! ♥

Before I end this post, here's a gentle reminder for all the people who are chasing their dreams.

image source here

Blues and All That Jazz of Grad School Pursuits (More of Blues Though)

It's a cold and gloomy and rainy Saturday morning and I am sitting here in a coffee shop listening to some Christmas songs being played in the cafe's speakers. Gosh, Christmas is just a few weeks away. In other words, the year is almost over but I am still here. It's as if I am still in the same place when the year started. There's no major breakthrough whatsoever. A lot of the people I know are already living their dreams but here I am. At this point in my life, I have only dreamt of one thing - that is to get into graduate school, do my PhD, and be a full-pledged scientist. It's very frustrating when I feel like I have already done so much but all my efforts seemed futile.

I remember, at the start of 2016 (literally on New Year's Eve), I began emailing professors inquiring if they have an available PhD position. A word of caution, it's not a good idea to do what I did. Do NOT email professors on a holiday! For the next couple of months I've been looking at different graduate programs in different continents. I wanted to do a PhD study on the molecular aspect of Alzheimer's Disease so I've been looking at a lot of neuroscience programs, emailing neuroscience professors, and applying to several Neuroscience Masters or PhD studies but to no avail. Two things: either the professors do not have a vacant position or I get rejected into my application. It's depressing to receive news like that. More so if it happens not just once, not just twice, but several times. It's like a never-ending cycle - inquiring, emailing, applying, then being rejected. I have to admit, it's so depressing, I get too emotional, I cry. I cry alone and I prefer it that way than cry on someone else's shoulder. Of course, keeping it all to myself is also not a good idea, so sometimes, I talk to some of my friends about it. I'm very selective, so I just tell it to people whom I know understands what I'm going through, or those who have been on the road that I'm into right now. Doing those two things really helped.

While experiencing those emotional ups and downs, I was also reviewing for the Graduate Record Examination (GRE). The GRE is one of the requirements when applying to graduate schools in the United States. So even if I was emotionally drained, I had to pick myself up and...study. Halfway through the year, I realized there's a 0.00000001 probability of me being accepted to a neuroscience program so I changed my direction. I looked at molecular medicine programs, molecular biology programs, even back to plant molecular biology. Researching the programs while emailing profs while applying to scholarships while reviewing for the GRE is not an easy task. Add to that, that I also have a job. After a day's work, instead of relaxing at night, I still need to do some graduate school hunting and studying for the GRE (and in some nights, unleashing the dramatic side of me a.k.a. cry). The weekends are also spent like that. You know the drill. Haha!

So, basically, that's what my whole 2016 is all about. There were some fun things that happened on the side though, travelling with my family in May and my solo trip to South Korea in August (which I still haven't blogged about yet). As of now, I'm still looking at graduate programs, still reviewing. I just wish that one day, I will receive some good news - that I get accepted somewhere, where I will grow as a scientist and also as a person.

Wish me luck guys! And, please pray for me.

P.S.

Whatever you're going through right now, I wish you well on your pursuit of being. We can do this! We will rise above the challenge! We will never give up!

On Grad School Applications (so far)

Hello March! Looks like 2016 is gaining its pace. We're already at the end of the first quarter of the year! So, here's just a little update about my life. Well, actually there's really not much happening, no adventures whatsoever. It's just me mostly thinking and doing some things with graduate school applications (#gradschoolapps). And at the moment, I'm still inside the tunnel. The end, the future rather, looks so bleak. The application process, which involves the following steps, feels like never-ending:

1. looking and researching grad programs
2. preparing the requirements for online application
3. waiting for the results
4. receiving the (dreaded) results
5. embattled/feeling down
6. moving on/starting all over again with other grad apps; and ultimately
7. being accepted in a grad program (which I'm still waiting to happen)

I'm always just in step 1 to 6 then back to step 1 again. I already received three rejections, which I can also equate to being heartbroken. It's like I have courted three programs but sadly, I'm not good enough for them. Here in the Philippines, we have a term if a guy courting a girl received "No" for an answer. He is basted and that's how I am right now, how I've been three times already. And of course, every time it happens, I can't help but feel down, undeserving, even regretting for not doing a spectacular job in college. I really wish I have a cum laude or even magna cum laude under my belt but I was just an average student (not stellar but also not someone who fails his/her subjects). Had I known that the competition for gradschool scholarships is tough, I would have tried harder. But it's too late for that. What's done is done. And I can't undo the past. But it's a lesson learned. A big lesson actually.

Though I am in an unfortunate situation right now, I'm still thankful I have a strong support system. My family, for always being there for me. My mom always reminds me to never give up and continue to keep on trying. A friend of mine told me that I can feel down and be "emo" with the results for one day but that's it; tomorrow I have to pick myself up. And last but not the least, I know that God has great things in store for me. I just have to believe and have faith because with Him nothing is impossible.

So yeah, even if it's not an easy road, even if there are bumps and detours, even if there are storms, I will carry on. I will continue with this journey and press on towards my goal. And as Bianca Piper said it, Well, I'm off to do some believin' and hopefully achievin'!

Image source here

Note to self and to others who are in the same boat

image source here

Reflections

In just a month and two weeks time I'll be turning twenty nine. Seriously, why does time fly so fast? The end of the year, the start of a new one, and of course my birthday always bring me to reflect about my life and the year that was.

2015 has gone by without so much "fireworks" or major breakthroughs. I am still here, stuck in my plans to pursue graduate studies. Still searching for programs, for schools, for scholarships... I feel like I've already devoted so much time researching programs and universities but I'm still back to square one. Yes, I've already taken the TOEFL and GRE (this I will take again next year) but it's still a long way to go.

Sometimes it can be disappointing and depressing. Other times, I just feel completely exhausted. If there's one thing I learned, it's that looking for a graduate program is not as easy as ABC. Everyday I wake up with grad school application as the first thing in my mind. You'll never know that struggle until you're in that stage where you want so badly to pursue a PhD. Time is also a major factor, because whether I like it or not, I'm not getting any younger.

Another issue is the shift of research interest. All my life, I've been working in plant science but I've always wanted to be in the biomedical arena. If I'm not going to be a doctor (my childhood dream), might as well work in a field closest to it, the biomedical sciences. My ultimate goal is to discover a cure for neurodegenerative diseases, specifically Alzheimer's, and to see that cure change and improve the lives of the people affected with the disease. With the technology that we have, I'm confident that one day that goal will be achieved.

I know the competition is high, there are much more younger people who are more experienced than I am but I am determined to do everything it takes, even if I need to start with another MS degree again, just so I can get into that field.

So much is still going on in my mind right now but I guess I'll have to stop here.


image source here

Life These Days

In just a few days, it'll be the month of December. I know a lot of people are already excited about it but in my case, it's different. I am silently hoping that time would slow down because December would be the deadline for graduate school applications in the US (for the program that I want to take). I am looking at two universities but the sad thing is that the deadline for both is on the first week of December. I only have almost two weeks left. I really don't know if I can make it. Possibly not. But then again, there can be miracle. But with the situation I'm into right now, things just seem so bleak.

However, here's the good news. Remember the moment I was depressed with my unfortunate TOEFL experience (see post here)? Finally, I was able to take it last October 31. With the encouragement of my mom and with the looming application deadline, I finally took the courage and faced the exam. Results came and I have to say I'm happy with the scores that I got. Really thankful for all the prayers and support of family and friends, and for the sisters/nuns in the church in my hometown who prayed for me. Of course, this success would not have been possible without the grace of God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

On November 6, I took the GRE. I have to admit though that I wasn't prepared. I took it because I wanted to catch up with the application deadline. I have to take the risk. Either I will do good or not. But the GRE is not easy. Well, the questions are like high school/early part of college math but the thing is, you have to really refresh your mind with the lessons you had when you were in high school and that proved to be difficult, especially for me who wasn't able to review well. The verbal part is also difficult because some of the words used are like out-of-this-world! I was also kind of confused in the first question of the analytical writing so I probably didn't answer it correctly and completely. In short, I did not do good and it showed in my scores. What's worse is that the percentile rank is also included. Seeing it really makes me cry. Even now, just by writing, I feel like crying.

But yeah, life happens. And you can't always get what you want. You have to work hard for it. And work hard I will do. I am planning to take the GRE again. But this time, I'll definitely review well and refresh my mind with the math lessons, improve my vocabulary, and practice more with writing. Slowly but surely, I'll get that high GRE score and percentile rank.

I may not be able to meet the application deadline but one thing's for sure, I'll see you again GRE! I will see you and I will conquer you!

Baby Steps in Pursuing One's Dreams

The first quarter of 2015 is nearing its end. Time really flies! I'm just so thankful for all the good things that happened. Now, for the second quarter, my goal is take baby steps in making my dreams come true by reviewing for two of the most important (and expensive) exams that I would be taking thus far, GRE and TOEFL. I tried to do this in the past but now is the time to be serious and more focused. Have to exercise my brain cells again!

I'm not sure if I can make it (to be accepted in my dream school and dream program) but I have to take this first step because, as the song goes, but if you never try you'll never know... So yeah! Cheers to following and chasing our dreams!

Road to PhD: Looking and researching schools

It's been exactly one month, two weeks, and three days since I arrived here in the Philippines from South Korea. And the whole time, I was just staying here in the house. It's already a long vacation. Time is precious and I need a job now. I need to do something while planning for something big for my future. I am in dire need of a job but it seems like what I'm looking for is not interested in me. I already applied in six job openings in IRRI, the place where I used to work. I was interviewed in the first one but only up to that stage; didn't hear anything for the next three; found out that someone was already picked for the fifth; and still waiting up to now for the sixth. I even went there to personally talk to some scientists, the first said he could only offer me a temporary position and suggested to look for other regular positions first, the second one was like, "Nah, just give me your contact info and we'll just inform you if there's an opening." It was depressing and I feel like IRRI doesn't want to have me back anymore. And then suddenly, I realized I'm that type of person who goes/stays from one place to another and doesn't usually go back. That's kind of my "silent rule". If I work back in IRRI, it's like I'm breaking it. But I have no choice. All I need right now is to have a job, earn some money, and save for my future endeavor.

This afternoon, instead of finding jobs in the internet, I spent my time researching different graduate schools in the US - that, ladies and gentlemen, is my future endeavor. Of course, attending a university in the United States of America entails a lot of preparation. First and foremost, I need to secure good scores for GRE (Graduate Record Examination) and TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language). Then the other requirements, such as transcript of records, diploma, letters of recommendation, statement of purpose, personal statement, application form, etc. I am eyeing a place with---of course, safety is the number one priority; then climate, with mild winters and cool summers; an environment conducive for studying with a less stressful student life; and good funding for research. I would like to study stem cells and California is highly supporting stem cell research. Two universities in mind - Stanford and UC Berkeley. Stanford, no doubt, has good Stem Cell and Regenerative Medicine PhD program with astounding faculty. UC Berkeley on the other hand, well I am actually targeting Molecular and Cell Biology (MCB) program. I was reading and getting all information in their MCB program and I felt like it's more homey because I majored in cell and molecular biology during my undergraduate years. UC Berkeley's MCB tackles different aspects under cell and molecular biology but, at the same time, it also gives an opportunity to study stem cells (though not as specialized as Stanford's Stem Cell Program). Anyway, just browsing and reading the site, it's really making me happy and giving me hope. Here's a video of what graduate education's like at UC Berkeley.

Well, it's still a long way to go. A lot of preparation should be made. And I'm still looking at other programs and universities, you know, just to be sure, just to compare. I even tried looking at Harvard! Gosh! But as of now, I can say there's a lukso ng dugo (sense of connection) with UC Berkeley. Let's see what will happen.

Ooops, but before all that, I really need to get a job. Sixth job opening, please be kind to me... And I better start reviewing for GRE and TOEFL.