Of Feelings and Musings

Today is a holiday here in Germany. It is Ascension Day where the ascension of Christ is remembered and celebrated. And fittingly, as I woke up, I was greeted by a wonderful sunny and perfect weather - not too hot and not too cold. It is such a beautiful day and just knowing that this is also the time where Jesus Christ went to heaven, it just makes my heart feel happy and calm. I also thank God for this day because last night was completely different. What happened was after watching a light and fun coming-of-age series in Netflix (Never Have I Ever) and as I was thinking of what to eat for dinner, I suddenly bursted into crying. You know, suddenly, feeling of fear and uncertainty came back rushing like a flash flood.... Those were the same feelings I had weeks before, when we were in the middle of quarantine. 

I wasn't really feeling well yesterday, had some body pains so I was just literally resting in my bed. I was also a bit paranoid because last Monday, while I was at the park sitting on the grass alone just to have some sun, a man came up to me selling some magazines. I really couldn't understand him because he was speaking in German but with his actions, I realized he was selling the magazines in his hand. I just said, "No." and then he left.  I was paranoid because what if he was infected and the fudge, he wasn't even wearing a mask. I wasn't also wearing a mask. But I was just there in the park not planning to talk to anyone. I wanted to tell him not to talk to me because of the coronavirus but I didn't want to be rude and besides he might not also understand me. So yeah, I just hope he is not infected. So last night, I thought what if I get the virus because of him and I get really sick and I am just alone here and what if I die...in a foreign country, far from my family? And then I also thought about my family - my parents back in the Philippines who are quite old and just on their own and my brother in Australia who is working as a nurse and handling covid-19 positive patients. It's like an avalanche of worries in my brain and I cried for a couple of minutes. I messaged my partner about all those things and he said that it might be better if I consult a therapist. And maybe he is right. Maybe I need help. He also reminded me to take my drops. It was an anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor since I wasn't able to properly sleep several weeks ago.

Even though I was just typing all this, I already feel drained and tired now. I think this pandemic has really hit me mentally and emotionally. I'll stop now and try to relax and calm myself again.

Keep safe and healthy everyone! I hope things will get back to normal again and a vaccine will finally be developed for this freakin' pandemic.

True love is like a mixture of friendship, appreciation, and happiness. ♥

-Anonymous