2020: The Hardest Year

Today is the last day of this roller coaster ride of a year that is 2020. With the Covid-19 pandemic, everyone of us has been affected by it, one way or another. This has been an unprecedented time in history. 

This year has also been the hardest for me personally. In the first and second quarters, the first wave of pandemic hit Germany and this has definitely affected my mental health. I easily get paranoid in a normal setting, and imagine, how much more in a setting living in the middle of a pandemic...alone? That has really struck me. During the lockdown in April, I had to work from home. At first, I thought it would be a nice break from working in the lab. But boy I was wrong! I was dreading when it's starting to get dark, early afternoon until evening because I feel this mix of emotions - loneliness, sadness, fear that something bad might suddenly happen to me and I'm just alone, fear of sleeping (because what if I suddenly die in my sleep?), and fear for what if something bad happens to my parents and brother and we all are in different parts of the world. I've had this covid-19 anxiety and sleep anxiety. Every night, it's either I don't easily sleep or I try not to sleep because I am just too afraid. It's like living in a bubble full of fear. 

In the third quarter, things started to become better. I was already back to working at the institute. I also got used to living in this pandemic. I wasn't too paranoid anymore. It's a beautiful summer and the restrictions are easing down. Me and my boyfriend also spent a lot of time together. I think, for my part, it was also because I know he will be going to South Korea soon so we really had to maximize our time. We also started to spend more time with his wonderful and welcoming family - his parents, brother, and the kids of his brother.

Then came the fourth quarter. Our relationship didn't work out. It was my first heartbreak and I felt that everything just came down, everything was just wasted. It was something I haven't experienced before and even though I have an idea of what it is like through movies, novels, and personal experiences of friends, I still didn't expect it would be that hard. I was hurting and having all sorts of emotions one can imagine. It was so bad and so hard but there's no way but to move on. They say time heals and maybe it does. It's been two months now. I would say it is not as bad as before but all those feelings are still here. It may not be like the 24/7 experience I had before but it's still here, it comes and it goes and it comes again. And aside from heartbreak, I also had a health-scare that started two weeks ago. Actually until now, I am still enveloped by it. I had some redness in an area in my breast and I started looking things up in the internet. This is not a good thing because every worst case scenario is there in different sites and it really scared me. I had a consultation with my ob-gyn and a doctor at the Uniklinik Breast Center. They both did an ultrasound and aside from the cysts which they say are normal, they found nothing. The doctor at the Breast Center recommended that I go see a dermatologist. However, if the redness wasn't treated or if it progresses, he will do a biopsy. So this whole time, with the ultrasound result, I am relieved, but I am also scared/hanging as long as this redness is still here in my body. I also started having pains in my bones, specifically pelvic bone and ribcage. I also have this feeling like I have a fever but when I check with my thermometer, it's normal. And the sleep problem also came back again, this time much worse. 

And the worst part of all, I am just here alone - far from my family and far from the the person I considered the love of my life. This has really been the worst time of my life but I'm hoping that through God, I will be able to overcome all these struggles. All I wish for this new year is good health for my parents and brother, for Robert's parents, for Robert, and for me. I also hope that next year, I will no longer be alone, that someone will finally come into my life to love me and to stay.

Goodbye 2020.

Hello new year! Hello 2021! Please be kind to us.