2020: The Hardest Year

Today is the last day of this roller coaster ride of a year that is 2020. With the Covid-19 pandemic, everyone of us has been affected by it, one way or another. This has been an unprecedented time in history. 

This year has also been the hardest for me personally. In the first and second quarters, the first wave of pandemic hit Germany and this has definitely affected my mental health. I easily get paranoid in a normal setting, and imagine, how much more in a setting living in the middle of a pandemic...alone? That has really struck me. During the lockdown in April, I had to work from home. At first, I thought it would be a nice break from working in the lab. But boy I was wrong! I was dreading when it's starting to get dark, early afternoon until evening because I feel this mix of emotions - loneliness, sadness, fear that something bad might suddenly happen to me and I'm just alone, fear of sleeping (because what if I suddenly die in my sleep?), and fear for what if something bad happens to my parents and brother and we all are in different parts of the world. I've had this covid-19 anxiety and sleep anxiety. Every night, it's either I don't easily sleep or I try not to sleep because I am just too afraid. It's like living in a bubble full of fear. 

In the third quarter, things started to become better. I was already back to working at the institute. I also got used to living in this pandemic. I wasn't too paranoid anymore. It's a beautiful summer and the restrictions are easing down. Me and my boyfriend also spent a lot of time together. I think, for my part, it was also because I know he will be going to South Korea soon so we really had to maximize our time. We also started to spend more time with his wonderful and welcoming family - his parents, brother, and the kids of his brother.

Then came the fourth quarter. Our relationship didn't work out. It was my first heartbreak and I felt that everything just came down, everything was just wasted. It was something I haven't experienced before and even though I have an idea of what it is like through movies, novels, and personal experiences of friends, I still didn't expect it would be that hard. I was hurting and having all sorts of emotions one can imagine. It was so bad and so hard but there's no way but to move on. They say time heals and maybe it does. It's been two months now. I would say it is not as bad as before but all those feelings are still here. It may not be like the 24/7 experience I had before but it's still here, it comes and it goes and it comes again. And aside from heartbreak, I also had a health-scare that started two weeks ago. Actually until now, I am still enveloped by it. I had some redness in an area in my breast and I started looking things up in the internet. This is not a good thing because every worst case scenario is there in different sites and it really scared me. I had a consultation with my ob-gyn and a doctor at the Uniklinik Breast Center. They both did an ultrasound and aside from the cysts which they say are normal, they found nothing. The doctor at the Breast Center recommended that I go see a dermatologist. However, if the redness wasn't treated or if it progresses, he will do a biopsy. So this whole time, with the ultrasound result, I am relieved, but I am also scared/hanging as long as this redness is still here in my body. I also started having pains in my bones, specifically pelvic bone and ribcage. I also have this feeling like I have a fever but when I check with my thermometer, it's normal. And the sleep problem also came back again, this time much worse. 

And the worst part of all, I am just here alone - far from my family and far from the the person I considered the love of my life. This has really been the worst time of my life but I'm hoping that through God, I will be able to overcome all these struggles. All I wish for this new year is good health for my parents and brother, for Robert's parents, for Robert, and for me. I also hope that next year, I will no longer be alone, that someone will finally come into my life to love me and to stay.

Goodbye 2020.

Hello new year! Hello 2021! Please be kind to us.

Heartbroken

 This year is really something and a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry here. There were good and memorable times, however, recently, I've been spending one of the hardest days of my life.

How do you handle having your heart broken?

How do you continue living your life while at the same time letting go of someone you love even though you still have feelings for him?

How do you convince yourself to stop loving him?

How do you start all over again?

Heartbreak is a complex process. The past days and until now, my emotions were all over the place. I was hurting so bad. There were times where I feel angry. There were moments where I was just engulfed with sadness. There were times where I was questioning myself over and over again of the "what ifs". It's been a week now and to be honest, I don't know when this will end. Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting crazy already. (But geez, isn't it amazing how our brain can handle all those complex emotions?)

My only distraction now is work. Good thing, I have the weekdays to go to the institute and continue doing my experiments. For the first time, work has become therapeutic. But at the end of the day, when I am just alone, all those feelings flood back again. 

I don't care anymore if I will still find someone who will love me, all I want is to be able to get through this hurting and live a life where I feel happy and contented, even if I'm just on my own.

Of Feelings and Musings

Today is a holiday here in Germany. It is Ascension Day where the ascension of Christ is remembered and celebrated. And fittingly, as I woke up, I was greeted by a wonderful sunny and perfect weather - not too hot and not too cold. It is such a beautiful day and just knowing that this is also the time where Jesus Christ went to heaven, it just makes my heart feel happy and calm. I also thank God for this day because last night was completely different. What happened was after watching a light and fun coming-of-age series in Netflix (Never Have I Ever) and as I was thinking of what to eat for dinner, I suddenly bursted into crying. You know, suddenly, feeling of fear and uncertainty came back rushing like a flash flood.... Those were the same feelings I had weeks before, when we were in the middle of quarantine. 

I wasn't really feeling well yesterday, had some body pains so I was just literally resting in my bed. I was also a bit paranoid because last Monday, while I was at the park sitting on the grass alone just to have some sun, a man came up to me selling some magazines. I really couldn't understand him because he was speaking in German but with his actions, I realized he was selling the magazines in his hand. I just said, "No." and then he left.  I was paranoid because what if he was infected and the fudge, he wasn't even wearing a mask. I wasn't also wearing a mask. But I was just there in the park not planning to talk to anyone. I wanted to tell him not to talk to me because of the coronavirus but I didn't want to be rude and besides he might not also understand me. So yeah, I just hope he is not infected. So last night, I thought what if I get the virus because of him and I get really sick and I am just alone here and what if I die...in a foreign country, far from my family? And then I also thought about my family - my parents back in the Philippines who are quite old and just on their own and my brother in Australia who is working as a nurse and handling covid-19 positive patients. It's like an avalanche of worries in my brain and I cried for a couple of minutes. I messaged my partner about all those things and he said that it might be better if I consult a therapist. And maybe he is right. Maybe I need help. He also reminded me to take my drops. It was an anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor since I wasn't able to properly sleep several weeks ago.

Even though I was just typing all this, I already feel drained and tired now. I think this pandemic has really hit me mentally and emotionally. I'll stop now and try to relax and calm myself again.

Keep safe and healthy everyone! I hope things will get back to normal again and a vaccine will finally be developed for this freakin' pandemic.

True love is like a mixture of friendship, appreciation, and happiness. ♥

-Anonymous

Life Update

What a difference a year makes!

Today is the 26th of April 2020, 5:30 in the afternoon, and I am here inside my apartment. I've actually been literally inside my apartment for a month and a week now due to the Covid-19 pandemic.  As I was reading my last post here in this blog, which was an emo/dramatic experience, I was thinking - My past self back then would have never ever even imagine the situation I am and the whole world is in right now. 

People around the world are living in strange and difficult times. Strange because at present, with our modern practices and technology, we are still grappled by this novel coronavirus, officially called SARS-CoV-2 (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Corona Virus 2). A pandemic has occurred before during the early 1900s and in this freakin' year 2020, history is repeating itself. Difficult because millions of people have already been infected and hundreds of thousands have already died and the front liners - doctors, nurses, and other people in the medical field - are risking their lives everyday to help the infected patients. Different countries have imposed lockdowns to prevent the spread of the virus. Social distancing, proper hygiene (always washing one's hands, avoiding touching one's face), and the use of masks have been implemented to flatten the infection curve to avoid overwhelming the healthcare system. Schools, restaurants, cinemas, and other establishments have been closed. Events which involve large gathering of people have been cancelled.

With all these happening, personally, it's just too much to take in. The first few weeks that the quarantine has been imposed, I was thinking this would be a way to have a break from my everyday experiments at work but then, I was also feeling anxious knowing the numbers and how easily the infection spreads. It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions from that moment on - anxiety, depression, loneliness. There were nights were I would wake up in the middle of the night and just stay awake for 2 to 4 hours. There were mornings were I was thinking if all of this is just a bad dream. But, unfortunately, it's the reality. Whenever I have to do essential stuff, like buying my groceries and doing my laundry at the laundromat/waschalon, I was always nervous that I might contract it from other people. It's like I am in Hunger Games trying to survive day by day. This is our reality now and things will not get to normal until a vaccine is developed. The silver lining though is that - the last time I checked, there are now 81 groups or companies that are doing clinical trials for the development of a vaccine. They say the earliest that a vaccine would be developed is next year, so hopefully, these groups will be successful. 

These past days, I've been experiencing irritated throat and body and joint pains. Last Thursday, I called the doctor and told my symptoms and also told her I was scared if this is already Covid-19. She recommended that I go to the testing center. The next day, I went to the Uniklinik testing center and had the swab test. They sent me the result on the afternoon but I only got to check it on Saturday...and thank God it was negative! Such good news and a big relief!

With regards to other aspects of my life:

1) I should be writing my thesis during this quarantine but I just find it hard to focus. Sadly, I am always procrastinating. I don't have the motivation anymore unlike when I was younger. This is terrible but I hope to get back on track again. I need motivation, focus, determination, perseverance, and the momentum to read the journal articles and start writing some parts of my thesis. 

2) The long awaited, long hoped for happened - I finally met someone who likes me, cares for me, treats me as an equal, and respects me as a person. We may be from different countries but his personality definitely complements mine. He is the third person I met up with on Tinder. We had our first date May of last year and after 8 months of getting to know each other, we have decided to start a relationship. It's been 4 months now and I'm just happy and thankful. It's just amazing to finally meet the person you've been praying for all these years and it made me realized that God truly grant the desires of our hearts.

I guess that's it for my life update. I hope we all continue to stay healthy and safe!