Struggling Still

Just dropping by here. I'm still not done writing my thesis and it's been a long time already (~7 months). I'm planning to submit it to my supervisor on the first week of December but there's still a lot that I need to add. I miss my old self where, even though I'm working in the last minute, I had the focus and determination to finish the task on time.

As of now, THE thesis is the priority. I try to stop thinking about all the other uncertainties in my life. A few months ago, I was worrying a lot if I can still stay here in Germany after my contract ends and I was trying to get a job as soon as possible (which until now I haven't landed one yet). I didn't want to go home because the quality of life here is way, way better. But then, the past months have been really hard for me here. I felt so alone, sad, lonely, anxious, and depressed and I miss the warmth and support of my family and friends back home in the Philippines.

I am just super exhausted now, trying to just power through to finish this thesis and trying not to think of my future much (at least at this moment). Sometimes, I am also thinking of quitting but I feel like I'm a big failure if I ever do that. Everything will just be wasted. But of course, quitting is always an option. But I'm also telling myself to do everything in my power now to get through this and if it will not work in the end, at least I know I did everything I can.

Okay, I have to get back to working on my thesis. I really need all the miracle right now, dear Lord.

If you're in the same situation struggling with something, I hope you will not give up and know that eventually you will overcome it. We will overcome this!!!

When I See You

This afternoon, after going to my dentist appointment, I decided to sit on the bench near the park on my way going home. The weather was super nice, warm and bright but there's also a refreshing breeze. I sat there and did a couple of breathing exercise and then ate the ice cream given by my dentist clinic for free. I went back to my apartment but since the weather was really inviting, I went out again to walk to the nearby park and the area around my neighborhood. I was listening to the song, When I See You by Jem Cubil, in my earphone on repeat. And it's just so nice to walk and feel contented and happy while listening to this lovely song...there's warmth and it even feels magical.♥ 

It's been a long time since I felt this way... the feeling of being alive,

of being happy and grateful, 

and simply having some peace of mind. 

Choose To Be Happy

Sharing a part of the homily I listened to this morning:

We are so involved about problems and projects, etc. and we have forgotten the most simple thing to do everyday is to be joyful and to spread joy no matter how little lang.

What? Happiness

Where? In your heart. 

Your joy, your happiness does not or should not depend on things or people or situation outside you. Kasi kung yun po ang definition natin ng happiness, you will never be happy. Because there will never be perfect situation and perfect people...

You just say, "I decide to be happy."

Because the joy of the Lord is my strength. 

It's your decision. So it happens in the heart.

When? Now na!

Don't wait for the time when life is not hard anymore before you decide to be happy. -Nightbirde

Forget being impressive, be expressive.

Let us not spend our whole lifetime doing all kinds of things and we forget what is really, really important. What is important in the end? That we live a meaningful life.

Be joyful, be hopeful, no matter what. Focus on the Lord, not on the load.

Life update

I just got back from an hour of walk. The whole day, I was just inside my apartment but late in the afternoon, I decided to go out and get some bubble milk tea. I was thinking of going to the tea place near the Dom (Köln Cathedral) but saw that there's a tea place a few blocks away from my apartment.  So there I was, walking while drinking my milk tea under the grey and gloomy sky. But, at least, it's not raining. 

As always, I feel like it's been ages since I last wrote an entry here. But here I am. This is just going to be a brain dump of all my thoughts right now. So please bear with me.

Sometimes, I think to myself, how did I even get to this point? I am already 34 years old and in my ideal world, I should have my own family right now - a loving husband, one or two kids. I should have a stable career, a house with a garden, a car, and a dog maybe. Instead, here I am, struggling with my dissertation, single, and living a life of anxiety. I feel like everyday, I am just getting by, not really living life to the fullest. I also have this big fear with regards to my health. Those thoughts of, "What if I have something?" But at the same time, I am also hoping I don't have anything serious. I still have the discomfort in my bones. My hands are trembling and the muscle near my mouth is still moving involuntarily whenever I try to smile. My neurologist ordered me to have an MRI and a blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels. When the results are sent to my neurologist, they will contact me. However, it's already almost three weeks since the MRI was made. And up to now, I still haven't received a call from them. The wait is really making me very anxious and sometimes, my mind goes into overthinking. I tried contacting them last week but to no avail. I am just hoping that I hear from them soon and that my tests are normal. Or whatever condition I have, that it is still curable.

Being single and living alone is not easy. In my 20s, I was enjoying it. I've always wanted to be in a relationship with someone but during that time I didn't mind being on my own. I felt like there's so much to explore and that I still have a lot of time. But fast forward to the present, and being a woman in her mid-30s, I am longing to be with a kind, wonderful, and committed man, to be in a loving and lasting relationship, to be married, and to have our own kids. I long to have a family. I am still praying that one day, that will happen. Hopefully, soon.

Right now, I feel like I am just at this low stage in my life. You know, like a diamond in the rough that is still being processed and polished...

I remember in my first counselling session, my therapist told me that I should be my own best friend. That I should be kinder to myself. And she is right. The best thing that I can do right now is to be my own best friend.

Though my life is a "diamond in the rough" at this time, I would like to share a happy moment last weekend with my friends. It's just nice to be able to spend quality time with them. Also, the weather was bright and warm, which really helps uplift the mood.

Fear and intense emotions all rolled into one

 I have just finished a crying session. Yes, a crying session.

How did I even get to this point?

This low point.

This dark place.

Fear and intense emotions all rolled into one. 

My whole world is just spinning  in all these:

• anxiety (general anxiety and health anxiety)
• stress
• sadness
• loneliness

Being surrounded with wonderful and genuine people

 Just dropping by to say that this is one of the best days so far for this year 2021.😊

After a very depressing holiday season, I am so glad I'm finally back at the research institute. Yesterday was my first work day of the year. It was nice to finally be out of my apartment, ride my bike going to work, and see and meet people (aka my labmates and colleagues) in person. And in the evening, as I was about to go home, I saw one of the undergrad students, Joelle, in the lab. We had the usual "How are you? How did you celebrate the New Year?" conversation and then we talked more about various stuff (like literally jumping from one topic to another) and next thing we know, it's already quarter to 9 in the evening! I think we were talking for almost 2 hours! But it was really, really nice to be able to talk to someone again, to have a human interaction, and a good connection. And since both of us are living very close to each other, we both went home riding our bikes, still talking with each other. That kind of moment is really something that I treasure.

And today, she and Quinn (another undergrad student), surprised me with a birthday cake and some gifts. I really had no clue that they will do that. They are just so thoughtful and amazing!💛

The picture above are their gifts for me. And I love each of the item! And the picture below is a gift from our officemate, Ole. She is also one of the closest people I have in the institute. It's just wonderful to meet nice and genuine people even at the workplace. And I'm just excited to read this new book she gave me.

Today, I am reminded that even though I was so down and depressed a couple of days ago, God is surrounding me now with kind and genuine people who bring sunshine in my life. And I am just so so grateful for that!

Life Goals for this New Year

It's the first day of 2021 and here I am in my little apartment listening and singing along to sad love songs. Yes, sad love songs... What a way to spend the first day of the year, right? Last night, after having dinner, I had an intense crying moment again. I just poured my heart out. I cried. I prayed. I talked to God. And I cried more and more. This morning, I still feel sad and lonely but, surprisingly, there's also some kind of peace. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm just feeling all the emotions and hopefully they will soon be replaced with happiness and contentment.

Moving on, the start of the year should be spent with a good outlook of the future and on how we are going to spend the coming months. So for me, my 2021 goals are as follows:

1. Start learning German (which I should probably have started years ago)
2. Start writing my dissertation
3. Finish writing the dissertation by the middle of the year
4. Successfully defend my thesis in the third quarter
5. Find a job before graduating
6. Transfer to a new and bigger apartment that comes with a balcony and a lovely kitchen (I also need to transfer because my current apartment just makes me lonely and reminds me of my past relationship)
7. Create new hobbies and meet new people (this is kind of tricky with this pandemic situation)
8. Find a love that will stay (specifically a man that loves and respects me and will be committed to our relationship and our future marriage)
9. Take and pass B1 German language exam and German Naturalization Test
10. Apply for permanent residency

These are all big things and just thinking about them now really overwhelms me. But it is still good to have some direction in life, right? And I hope that God will continue to give me good health, keep me safe, and give me the wisdom and courage to live life according to his will, and to live life to the fullest.

To anyone reading this, I hope you will have a great and wonderful year! And whatever problem/struggle you have, I hope you will not give up. May you continue to live with purpose.

We can all do this!