Life update

I just got back from an hour of walk. The whole day, I was just inside my apartment but late in the afternoon, I decided to go out and get some bubble milk tea. I was thinking of going to the tea place near the Dom (Köln Cathedral) but saw that there's a tea place a few blocks away from my apartment.  So there I was, walking while drinking my milk tea under the grey and gloomy sky. But, at least, it's not raining. 

As always, I feel like it's been ages since I last wrote an entry here. But here I am. This is just going to be a brain dump of all my thoughts right now. So please bear with me.

Sometimes, I think to myself, how did I even get to this point? I am already 34 years old and in my ideal world, I should have my own family right now - a loving husband, one or two kids. I should have a stable career, a house with a garden, a car, and a dog maybe. Instead, here I am, struggling with my dissertation, single, and living a life of anxiety. I feel like everyday, I am just getting by, not really living life to the fullest. I also have this big fear with regards to my health. Those thoughts of, "What if I have something?" But at the same time, I am also hoping I don't have anything serious. I still have the discomfort in my bones. My hands are trembling and the muscle near my mouth is still moving involuntarily whenever I try to smile. My neurologist ordered me to have an MRI and a blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels. When the results are sent to my neurologist, they will contact me. However, it's already almost three weeks since the MRI was made. And up to now, I still haven't received a call from them. The wait is really making me very anxious and sometimes, my mind goes into overthinking. I tried contacting them last week but to no avail. I am just hoping that I hear from them soon and that my tests are normal. Or whatever condition I have, that it is still curable.

Being single and living alone is not easy. In my 20s, I was enjoying it. I've always wanted to be in a relationship with someone but during that time I didn't mind being on my own. I felt like there's so much to explore and that I still have a lot of time. But fast forward to the present, and being a woman in her mid-30s, I am longing to be with a kind, wonderful, and committed man, to be in a loving and lasting relationship, to be married, and to have our own kids. I long to have a family. I am still praying that one day, that will happen. Hopefully, soon.

Right now, I feel like I am just at this low stage in my life. You know, like a diamond in the rough that is still being processed and polished...

I remember in my first counselling session, my therapist told me that I should be my own best friend. That I should be kinder to myself. And she is right. The best thing that I can do right now is to be my own best friend.

Though my life is a "diamond in the rough" at this time, I would like to share a happy moment last weekend with my friends. It's just nice to be able to spend quality time with them. Also, the weather was bright and warm, which really helps uplift the mood.