We accept the love we think we deserve

Reading my last post, I felt like my old self was talking to me. She was such in a good place, so far from where I am right now. But she reminded me of important things, such as, to be thankful even with the small things, to be at peace, and to learn to use my time well.

The past weeks, I was an in an emotional rollercoaster ride, better yet, I was an emotional train wreck. At the start of this year, me and my ex have met a few times. And maybe it's because I miss him so much, I started to be comfortable getting close to him again. I know it is not right, especially since we really haven't decided yet what this is all about, but old habits die hard. We were acting as if we're still a couple. We reminded ourselves that we need to talk this through. I was always the one asking questions about the breakup and all that comes after. Eventually, I learned that he was dating someone just two weeks after the breakup, and they were together the whole time he was there in South Korea. I asked him before, three months after the breakup, if he was dating someone and he said no. We were talking sporadically as friends the whole time he was there and for that whole time, he didn't even mention once that he was with someone new. And that lie, even if he is saying he did that because he doesn't want to hurt me more, feels like a knife cutting me deep. It's a fucking lie, a fucking betrayal of my trust. The problem is, him not telling that he was with someone new gave me the idea that there's still a possibility of us getting back together. But I just feel stupid now. That hope, false hope, is so bad. I watched a video about moving on and the person advised that if you are in the process of moving on, it is a bad idea to have hope of you and your ex getting back together. It doesn't matter how tiny that hope is.

Being the person that I am, I tried to ask more about it, even asking to see a photo of her, a photo of them together, whatever. Again, this is not a good idea but I don't want to be left in the dark. And of course, he sent me the pictures. And of course, I felt so hurt again. I'm probably a masochist at its finest.  So much has happened but one thing is for sure, I always go back to the fucking whole time he lied to me and the whole time he was with that girl and how happy and intimate they were together while I was grieving of a love lost. I was fucking miserable. But it just goes to show how deep I loved him. The depth of your love correlates to the hurt you will feel after the relationship ends.

The past weeks, he wanted us to have talks to process all this but he also told me that I can also date other people. I told him I am not that type of person. I would want to settle all this first before I date someone new. To be honest, that setup, of us figuring out if we're gonna push through or not of getting back together felt like being in limbo. It was so heavy, I was hurting, my heart and my trust have been broken, yet I am still open to the possibility of us getting back together. And then it hit me, I was reminded of this: We accept the love we think we deserve. It's a line from one of my favorite movies, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. And fuck him. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve the setup he wants, I don't deserve being lied to, I don't deserve clinging on to something or someone that clearly is unsure of me. I deserve better. I deserve a love as deep as my love. I deserve happiness. I deserve peace of mind.

As of now, I am taking all this as a learning experience, a big learning experience on my part. Maybe this is part of life, you get hurt but you have to gain back your strength and move on carrying within you the lessons you learned. This is not easy but I am also excited to live my life, to love myself again, to focus on the things I have to focus on now (my dissertation is waving still), and to have hope that great things are in store for me.