Heartbroken

 This year is really something and a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry here. There were good and memorable times, however, recently, I've been spending one of the hardest days of my life.

How do you handle having your heart broken?

How do you continue living your life while at the same time letting go of someone you love even though you still have feelings for him?

How do you convince yourself to stop loving him?

How do you start all over again?

Heartbreak is a complex process. The past days and until now, my emotions were all over the place. I was hurting so bad. There were times where I feel angry. There were moments where I was just engulfed with sadness. There were times where I was questioning myself over and over again of the "what ifs". It's been a week now and to be honest, I don't know when this will end. Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting crazy already. (But geez, isn't it amazing how our brain can handle all those complex emotions?)

My only distraction now is work. Good thing, I have the weekdays to go to the institute and continue doing my experiments. For the first time, work has become therapeutic. But at the end of the day, when I am just alone, all those feelings flood back again. 

I don't care anymore if I will still find someone who will love me, all I want is to be able to get through this hurting and live a life where I feel happy and contented, even if I'm just on my own.

Of Feelings and Musings

Today is a holiday here in Germany. It is Ascension Day where the ascension of Christ is remembered and celebrated. And fittingly, as I woke up, I was greeted by a wonderful sunny and perfect weather - not too hot and not too cold. It is such a beautiful day and just knowing that this is also the time where Jesus Christ went to heaven, it just makes my heart feel happy and calm. I also thank God for this day because last night was completely different. What happened was after watching a light and fun coming-of-age series in Netflix (Never Have I Ever) and as I was thinking of what to eat for dinner, I suddenly bursted into crying. You know, suddenly, feeling of fear and uncertainty came back rushing like a flash flood.... Those were the same feelings I had weeks before, when we were in the middle of quarantine. 

I wasn't really feeling well yesterday, had some body pains so I was just literally resting in my bed. I was also a bit paranoid because last Monday, while I was at the park sitting on the grass alone just to have some sun, a man came up to me selling some magazines. I really couldn't understand him because he was speaking in German but with his actions, I realized he was selling the magazines in his hand. I just said, "No." and then he left.  I was paranoid because what if he was infected and the fudge, he wasn't even wearing a mask. I wasn't also wearing a mask. But I was just there in the park not planning to talk to anyone. I wanted to tell him not to talk to me because of the coronavirus but I didn't want to be rude and besides he might not also understand me. So yeah, I just hope he is not infected. So last night, I thought what if I get the virus because of him and I get really sick and I am just alone here and what if I die...in a foreign country, far from my family? And then I also thought about my family - my parents back in the Philippines who are quite old and just on their own and my brother in Australia who is working as a nurse and handling covid-19 positive patients. It's like an avalanche of worries in my brain and I cried for a couple of minutes. I messaged my partner about all those things and he said that it might be better if I consult a therapist. And maybe he is right. Maybe I need help. He also reminded me to take my drops. It was an anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor since I wasn't able to properly sleep several weeks ago.

Even though I was just typing all this, I already feel drained and tired now. I think this pandemic has really hit me mentally and emotionally. I'll stop now and try to relax and calm myself again.

Keep safe and healthy everyone! I hope things will get back to normal again and a vaccine will finally be developed for this freakin' pandemic.

True love is like a mixture of friendship, appreciation, and happiness. ♥

-Anonymous

Life Update

What a difference a year makes!

Today is the 26th of April 2020, 5:30 in the afternoon, and I am here inside my apartment. I've actually been literally inside my apartment for a month and a week now due to the Covid-19 pandemic.  As I was reading my last post here in this blog, which was an emo/dramatic experience, I was thinking - My past self back then would have never ever even imagine the situation I am and the whole world is in right now. 

People around the world are living in strange and difficult times. Strange because at present, with our modern practices and technology, we are still grappled by this novel coronavirus, officially called SARS-CoV-2 (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Corona Virus 2). A pandemic has occurred before during the early 1900s and in this freakin' year 2020, history is repeating itself. Difficult because millions of people have already been infected and hundreds of thousands have already died and the front liners - doctors, nurses, and other people in the medical field - are risking their lives everyday to help the infected patients. Different countries have imposed lockdowns to prevent the spread of the virus. Social distancing, proper hygiene (always washing one's hands, avoiding touching one's face), and the use of masks have been implemented to flatten the infection curve to avoid overwhelming the healthcare system. Schools, restaurants, cinemas, and other establishments have been closed. Events which involve large gathering of people have been cancelled.

With all these happening, personally, it's just too much to take in. The first few weeks that the quarantine has been imposed, I was thinking this would be a way to have a break from my everyday experiments at work but then, I was also feeling anxious knowing the numbers and how easily the infection spreads. It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions from that moment on - anxiety, depression, loneliness. There were nights were I would wake up in the middle of the night and just stay awake for 2 to 4 hours. There were mornings were I was thinking if all of this is just a bad dream. But, unfortunately, it's the reality. Whenever I have to do essential stuff, like buying my groceries and doing my laundry at the laundromat/waschalon, I was always nervous that I might contract it from other people. It's like I am in Hunger Games trying to survive day by day. This is our reality now and things will not get to normal until a vaccine is developed. The silver lining though is that - the last time I checked, there are now 81 groups or companies that are doing clinical trials for the development of a vaccine. They say the earliest that a vaccine would be developed is next year, so hopefully, these groups will be successful. 

These past days, I've been experiencing irritated throat and body and joint pains. Last Thursday, I called the doctor and told my symptoms and also told her I was scared if this is already Covid-19. She recommended that I go to the testing center. The next day, I went to the Uniklinik testing center and had the swab test. They sent me the result on the afternoon but I only got to check it on Saturday...and thank God it was negative! Such good news and a big relief!

With regards to other aspects of my life:

1) I should be writing my thesis during this quarantine but I just find it hard to focus. Sadly, I am always procrastinating. I don't have the motivation anymore unlike when I was younger. This is terrible but I hope to get back on track again. I need motivation, focus, determination, perseverance, and the momentum to read the journal articles and start writing some parts of my thesis. 

2) The long awaited, long hoped for happened - I finally met someone who likes me, cares for me, treats me as an equal, and respects me as a person. We may be from different countries but his personality definitely complements mine. He is the third person I met up with on Tinder. We had our first date May of last year and after 8 months of getting to know each other, we have decided to start a relationship. It's been 4 months now and I'm just happy and thankful. It's just amazing to finally meet the person you've been praying for all these years and it made me realized that God truly grant the desires of our hearts.

I guess that's it for my life update. I hope we all continue to stay healthy and safe!

On being heartbroken and sticking to your convictions

Time check: 12:54 AM

I never thought I'd write in this blog again but here I am.

Last night was one of those sad and lonely nights. I was full of emotions and thoughts.

Few minutes before 7:00 PM, dressed in a long, blue patterned maxi, I was hurriedly walking along the streets of Cologne to make sure that I will not be late. Thankfully, I arrived on time. The weather was perfect. Summer came in early, specifically the third week of April. I picked up my phone and was supposed to message him that I was already there in our meeting place, in front of Starbucks. Then, as I turned, I saw this tall, young man. We looked at each other. And he said my name. We greeted each other and as I was about to extend my hand for a handshake, I saw him giving me a hug. I also hugged him and felt his cheeks near the temple of my head. He was very tall - 6 feet 3 inches. We then headed to the restaurant. It serves Spanish cuisine. We ordered a plate of Tapas, fried potatoes, goat cheese, and two glasses of wine - red wine for him and rosé for me. I wanted to take a picture of the food (because it looks so pretty but also, because I wanted to have a souvenir of our first date) but I got so shy I decided to just not do it. We had a nice conversation, delving on different topics - from our courses in the university to the countries we've been and the experiences we had along the way to our current situation. He was easy to talk to and I felt like we had a good rapport with each other. But that was up until he brought the question, "Why are you on Tinder?" Of course I said my intention which was to meet new people and if our personalities complement each other then that's a big bonus even though the probability is very low. And, indeed, it is very low.  When it's his turn, he directly told me his intention, which was just to have sex. He said he just broke up with his girlfriend so he is not yet ready to be in a relationship but he's only looking for casual sex. And right after he said that, my world just turned upside down. Deep in my heart, I was hoping he would say something different. Suddenly, I told him that we're in the exact opposite ends of the spectrum. We talked about how sex is just a normal part of life, of young and old, here in Germany. Then after some time, we changed the topic. I tried to forget what we just talked about but it's been said and done. The whole dinner and conversations lasted for almost three hours. We talked some more while walking. When we reached the nearby area where he will take the tram, we said our goodbyes. He wished me luck in my research and in meeting new people. I wished him the same. He said something along the lines of "Who knows, maybe we'll meet again." I just couldn't remember his exact words. And then I walked away.

I walked feeling sad, feeling like I lose a good catch because he is indeed a good catch. He almost ticked the things that I want in a man:

• intelligent
• doesn't smoke
• has a good and stable job (He's an engineer.)
• tall
• neat
• kind

And those direct eye contact while talking with each other. Maybe it's a German thing, but the way he looked at my eyes, it says that he is really paying attention.

It was all gone. I will never have someone like him in my life.

When I arrived in my apartment, thoughts came rushing in my head again. If only I also want what he wants. If only it's just easy for me to give up what I believe in... But it's not! In the end, I still stand on my convictions, on things that I believe are right, on things that have shaped my younger years and still play a role in my present self.

Berlin: LUMAS The Liberation of Art

Two weeks ago, I had a workshop in Berlin with other PhD students (five days spent learning and discussing important topics). Our free times were only during the evenings and on the 1st of February, we joined a walking tour in Berlin.

Our first stop was an art gallery called LUMAS. The exhibit was of modern and urban photo art. I am not an expert when it comes to artsy stuff but I have to say that the artworks are rich in color and dimension. I actually did not expect it to be like that because somehow, modern, specifically urban art, doesn't have that much appeal to me compared to paintings of the olden times (Romantic era). But seeing all the artworks in the LUMAS gallery, I am now dreaming of owning one or more and putting them in my future house.

Took a few snaps and look at how gorgeous those artworks are.

If you want to see more of the artworks, you can visit their website here.

*all images taken by me

Day 5 of Social Media Detox

Just dropping by for a quick update.

It's been five days already since I deactivated my facebook, messenger, and instagram. Yay! So far, so good! It's hard on the first day but the next days weren't so bad as I thought they would be.☺

However, it's been four days already of me being stressed out with my project proposal. The first two days were actually spent feeling like in a limbo - it was difficult to find focus and gain momentum in writing, been reading scientific articles but nothing comes to mind when I tried to write. The third day was the start of finding the light I needed. Slowly, ideas came up and I began to start writing until the wee hours of the morning (slept at 3:30 am). The fourth day, which was today, I felt stuck again. There's not much of an improvement. My mind is so slow in developing and paraphrasing sentences. I miss the time during my undergraduate years when I can just compose and finish a paper overnight.

With all the stress I am facing now (hello to my zombie self with bloodshot eyes) and remembering my New Year's thought that I'd be kinder to myself, I decided to have dinner in a Thai restaurant (aka date with my self). Ordered pad thai, which was so delicious, and peppermint tea to calm my senses. I have to say I'm quite lucky because the tea wasn't in a tea bag, instead it's made of fresh peppermint leaves!

I am now back in my apartment and just had a cup of coffee to get me through the night. I just hope that I can finally finish my project proposal (starting to actually get teary-eyed now).

To the person (or people) who get to see this blog, I hope your 2018 is off to a great start!

12 Things To Do This Year

Since this is the start of the year, aside from my new year's resolutions, I also wanted to make a list of things that will make my 2018 special. I've been here in Germany for five months already and I feel like I haven't really explored much this very own city that I live in. So, the plan is to make or do something new every month.

Here's it is (in no particular order):

1. Join a city tour and learn a thing or two about Cologne
2. Visit a museum (or several museums) and immerse myself in art and/or history
3. Watch a musical (preferably in English)
4. Watch a German movie
5. Watch a live concert of my favorite artist/s
6. Eat in a restaurant serving German cuisine
7. Join a sports activity
8. Enroll in a German language course
9. Go to a vineyard
10. *still thinking of what to put here*
11. *still thinking of what to put here*
12. *still thinking of what to put here*

P.S. Will update this once I have some ideas for numbers 10 to 12.

-Day 1 done for my social media fasting. Been checking my phone from time to time but there's really no notifications to check. Let's see how far I will go.

-Also, another big goal for me this year is to pay off my credit card debt, the target time being the first quarter of this year. I'm hoping to welcome the spring season debt-free.