We accept the love we think we deserve

Reading my last post, I felt like my old self was talking to me. She was such in a good place, so far from where I am right now. But she reminded me of important things, such as, to be thankful even with the small things, to be at peace, and to learn to use my time well.

The past weeks, I was an in an emotional rollercoaster ride, better yet, I was an emotional train wreck. At the start of this year, me and my ex have met a few times. And maybe it's because I miss him so much, I started to be comfortable getting close to him again. I know it is not right, especially since we really haven't decided yet what this is all about, but old habits die hard. We were acting as if we're still a couple. We reminded ourselves that we need to talk this through. I was always the one asking questions about the breakup and all that comes after. Eventually, I learned that he was dating someone just two weeks after the breakup, and they were together the whole time he was there in South Korea. I asked him before, three months after the breakup, if he was dating someone and he said no. We were talking sporadically as friends the whole time he was there and for that whole time, he didn't even mention once that he was with someone new. And that lie, even if he is saying he did that because he doesn't want to hurt me more, feels like a knife cutting me deep. It's a fucking lie, a fucking betrayal of my trust. The problem is, him not telling that he was with someone new gave me the idea that there's still a possibility of us getting back together. But I just feel stupid now. That hope, false hope, is so bad. I watched a video about moving on and the person advised that if you are in the process of moving on, it is a bad idea to have hope of you and your ex getting back together. It doesn't matter how tiny that hope is.

Being the person that I am, I tried to ask more about it, even asking to see a photo of her, a photo of them together, whatever. Again, this is not a good idea but I don't want to be left in the dark. And of course, he sent me the pictures. And of course, I felt so hurt again. I'm probably a masochist at its finest.  So much has happened but one thing is for sure, I always go back to the fucking whole time he lied to me and the whole time he was with that girl and how happy and intimate they were together while I was grieving of a love lost. I was fucking miserable. But it just goes to show how deep I loved him. The depth of your love correlates to the hurt you will feel after the relationship ends.

The past weeks, he wanted us to have talks to process all this but he also told me that I can also date other people. I told him I am not that type of person. I would want to settle all this first before I date someone new. To be honest, that setup, of us figuring out if we're gonna push through or not of getting back together felt like being in limbo. It was so heavy, I was hurting, my heart and my trust have been broken, yet I am still open to the possibility of us getting back together. And then it hit me, I was reminded of this: We accept the love we think we deserve. It's a line from one of my favorite movies, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. And fuck him. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve the setup he wants, I don't deserve being lied to, I don't deserve clinging on to something or someone that clearly is unsure of me. I deserve better. I deserve a love as deep as my love. I deserve happiness. I deserve peace of mind.

As of now, I am taking all this as a learning experience, a big learning experience on my part. Maybe this is part of life, you get hurt but you have to gain back your strength and move on carrying within you the lessons you learned. This is not easy but I am also excited to live my life, to love myself again, to focus on the things I have to focus on now (my dissertation is waving still), and to have hope that great things are in store for me.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

*Easy by Commodores playing in the background*

You know that "easy like Sunday morning" feeling?  That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Just chill, relaxed, and at peace in general. There are still problems and uncertainties but I'm making a conscious effort to make this time a relaxing and enjoyable one.

Oh by the way, it's already the 16th of January! Whew, we just welcomed 2022 and now, it's been 16 days already. I hope we're all having a great start of the year. I mean, just being alive and having gotten through the pandemic for two years now is such a big thing already! I am just thankful for everything - though there were difficult times, going through and learning from them builds and strengthens our character.

If there's one thing I want to do better this new year, that would be to learn to use my time well.

Okay, I think that's it. This is just a very short post. Again, I hope you're all doing well. This is late but

  Happy New Year, God bless us all, and may we also be a blessing to others! ♥

Struggling Still

Just dropping by here. I'm still not done writing my thesis and it's been a long time already (~7 months). I'm planning to submit it to my supervisor on the first week of December but there's still a lot that I need to add. I miss my old self where, even though I'm working in the last minute, I had the focus and determination to finish the task on time.

As of now, THE thesis is the priority. I try to stop thinking about all the other uncertainties in my life. A few months ago, I was worrying a lot if I can still stay here in Germany after my contract ends and I was trying to get a job as soon as possible (which until now I haven't landed one yet). I didn't want to go home because the quality of life here is way, way better. But then, the past months have been really hard for me here. I felt so alone, sad, lonely, anxious, and depressed and I miss the warmth and support of my family and friends back home in the Philippines.

I am just super exhausted now, trying to just power through to finish this thesis and trying not to think of my future much (at least at this moment). Sometimes, I am also thinking of quitting but I feel like I'm a big failure if I ever do that. Everything will just be wasted. But of course, quitting is always an option. But I'm also telling myself to do everything in my power now to get through this and if it will not work in the end, at least I know I did everything I can.

Okay, I have to get back to working on my thesis. I really need all the miracle right now, dear Lord.

If you're in the same situation struggling with something, I hope you will not give up and know that eventually you will overcome it. We will overcome this!!!

When I See You

This afternoon, after going to my dentist appointment, I decided to sit on the bench near the park on my way going home. The weather was super nice, warm and bright but there's also a refreshing breeze. I sat there and did a couple of breathing exercise and then ate the ice cream given by my dentist clinic for free. I went back to my apartment but since the weather was really inviting, I went out again to walk to the nearby park and the area around my neighborhood. I was listening to the song, When I See You by Jem Cubil, in my earphone on repeat. And it's just so nice to walk and feel contented and happy while listening to this lovely song...there's warmth and it even feels magical.♥ 

It's been a long time since I felt this way... the feeling of being alive,

of being happy and grateful, 

and simply having some peace of mind. 

Choose To Be Happy

Sharing a part of the homily I listened to this morning:

We are so involved about problems and projects, etc. and we have forgotten the most simple thing to do everyday is to be joyful and to spread joy no matter how little lang.

What? Happiness

Where? In your heart. 

Your joy, your happiness does not or should not depend on things or people or situation outside you. Kasi kung yun po ang definition natin ng happiness, you will never be happy. Because there will never be perfect situation and perfect people...

You just say, "I decide to be happy."

Because the joy of the Lord is my strength. 

It's your decision. So it happens in the heart.

When? Now na!

Don't wait for the time when life is not hard anymore before you decide to be happy. -Nightbirde

Forget being impressive, be expressive.

Let us not spend our whole lifetime doing all kinds of things and we forget what is really, really important. What is important in the end? That we live a meaningful life.

Be joyful, be hopeful, no matter what. Focus on the Lord, not on the load.

Life update

I just got back from an hour of walk. The whole day, I was just inside my apartment but late in the afternoon, I decided to go out and get some bubble milk tea. I was thinking of going to the tea place near the Dom (Köln Cathedral) but saw that there's a tea place a few blocks away from my apartment.  So there I was, walking while drinking my milk tea under the grey and gloomy sky. But, at least, it's not raining. 

As always, I feel like it's been ages since I last wrote an entry here. But here I am. This is just going to be a brain dump of all my thoughts right now. So please bear with me.

Sometimes, I think to myself, how did I even get to this point? I am already 34 years old and in my ideal world, I should have my own family right now - a loving husband, one or two kids. I should have a stable career, a house with a garden, a car, and a dog maybe. Instead, here I am, struggling with my dissertation, single, and living a life of anxiety. I feel like everyday, I am just getting by, not really living life to the fullest. I also have this big fear with regards to my health. Those thoughts of, "What if I have something?" But at the same time, I am also hoping I don't have anything serious. I still have the discomfort in my bones. My hands are trembling and the muscle near my mouth is still moving involuntarily whenever I try to smile. My neurologist ordered me to have an MRI and a blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels. When the results are sent to my neurologist, they will contact me. However, it's already almost three weeks since the MRI was made. And up to now, I still haven't received a call from them. The wait is really making me very anxious and sometimes, my mind goes into overthinking. I tried contacting them last week but to no avail. I am just hoping that I hear from them soon and that my tests are normal. Or whatever condition I have, that it is still curable.

Being single and living alone is not easy. In my 20s, I was enjoying it. I've always wanted to be in a relationship with someone but during that time I didn't mind being on my own. I felt like there's so much to explore and that I still have a lot of time. But fast forward to the present, and being a woman in her mid-30s, I am longing to be with a kind, wonderful, and committed man, to be in a loving and lasting relationship, to be married, and to have our own kids. I long to have a family. I am still praying that one day, that will happen. Hopefully, soon.

Right now, I feel like I am just at this low stage in my life. You know, like a diamond in the rough that is still being processed and polished...

I remember in my first counselling session, my therapist told me that I should be my own best friend. That I should be kinder to myself. And she is right. The best thing that I can do right now is to be my own best friend.

Though my life is a "diamond in the rough" at this time, I would like to share a happy moment last weekend with my friends. It's just nice to be able to spend quality time with them. Also, the weather was bright and warm, which really helps uplift the mood.

Fear and intense emotions all rolled into one

 I have just finished a crying session. Yes, a crying session.

How did I even get to this point?

This low point.

This dark place.

Fear and intense emotions all rolled into one. 

My whole world is just spinning  in all these:

• anxiety (general anxiety and health anxiety)
• stress
• sadness
• loneliness

Being surrounded with wonderful and genuine people

 Just dropping by to say that this is one of the best days so far for this year 2021.😊

After a very depressing holiday season, I am so glad I'm finally back at the research institute. Yesterday was my first work day of the year. It was nice to finally be out of my apartment, ride my bike going to work, and see and meet people (aka my labmates and colleagues) in person. And in the evening, as I was about to go home, I saw one of the undergrad students, Joelle, in the lab. We had the usual "How are you? How did you celebrate the New Year?" conversation and then we talked more about various stuff (like literally jumping from one topic to another) and next thing we know, it's already quarter to 9 in the evening! I think we were talking for almost 2 hours! But it was really, really nice to be able to talk to someone again, to have a human interaction, and a good connection. And since both of us are living very close to each other, we both went home riding our bikes, still talking with each other. That kind of moment is really something that I treasure.

And today, she and Quinn (another undergrad student), surprised me with a birthday cake and some gifts. I really had no clue that they will do that. They are just so thoughtful and amazing!💛

The picture above are their gifts for me. And I love each of the item! And the picture below is a gift from our officemate, Ole. She is also one of the closest people I have in the institute. It's just wonderful to meet nice and genuine people even at the workplace. And I'm just excited to read this new book she gave me.

Today, I am reminded that even though I was so down and depressed a couple of days ago, God is surrounding me now with kind and genuine people who bring sunshine in my life. And I am just so so grateful for that!