Life gets better

It's the first Sunday of March. We're now at the end of the first quarter of the year, Time definitely flies! Today is a bright and warm day but thankfully, we have some breeze making the heat more bearable. As I'm writing, I have this back pain which started yesterday when my upper back suddenly hurt. It was bad and my mind was already thinking of the worst-case scenarios again. But I had to be mindful and control my breathing. And it indeed helped calm me down.

Anyway, onto other things... My supervisor and I have finally finished editing and revising my thesis. Yay! I just need to submit it on or before the 11th of March. I also have applied for application to admission to the doctoral examinations and I am glad my thesis defense committee is also complete. The next step is to schedule my defense and prepare for it. Also, four days from now, I will be having an online interview for a postdoc position. The research topic is not exactly the same as my PhD research but I would say, they are somewhat related. Both deal with cellular organelles and I have a strong feeling I can use my mitochondria background with the research of the group working with extracellular vesicles in the context of kidney diseases. It is exciting and I am so ready to get back to working again. I will now need to use the next three days to prepare for the interview. In my previous interviews, I've been short of specific things which I can now use as parameters in my interview preparation. I hope this interview will be a nice discussion and that I will have a good connection with the Principal Investigator and his group.

Life gets better! Hoping all of us are on track in pursuing our dreams.

My Slow-living Era & North Star

It's a nice Sunday morning. Finally, the sun is out after a couple of days of rain and gloom. The wind is blowing and it's giving me a peaceful feeling. However, in my mind, there is chaos and worries. But will I benefit anything from it if I continue dwelling on those worries? The big answer is NO. As advised by an old friend, "Focus on things you can control, not on the things you can't."

Right now, I am just thankful for the present - for this life, for finally spending some time with my parents after 6 years of being away from them, for the support of my parents because they still took me under their wing even though I am already a grown adult, and for having the privilege of getting to focus on writing my thesis in the comfort of my family home without thinking of rent, of what food I should cook, etc. This, I would say, is my slow-living era. Maybe I need to experience this to have a better perspective of my life, of where I should go, of what I truly want to do, and what steps need to be taken.

As much as I am thankful for this slow-living era, I also want to have a North Star or a dream that will guide me through life's journey.  That North Star is to finally find a country where I truly fit in, have a stable job that I love doing and which I get to do until I retire, have a work-life balanced life, get married to that person who genuinely loves and supports me (with whom I also feel the same), build our own house, start a family, spend more time in nature and traveling, create something (be it an artwork, soap, or perfume), and support my parents in their old age. 

Welcome to this shithole late 30s of mine

I've always thought life is just a continuous process - be born, go to school, graduate, work, go to graduate school (in my case), then work again, get promoted, have a family, and do all the other things we love, then die. I've always thought it's an uphill climb, of course, there are bumps on the way, but we just continue climbing up. But here I am, back to square one. Back in the Philippines, back in my hometown, and living back with my parents. It should be a nice time living with them again, after all those years of being away. But it's not easy, especially if it's been a couple of months already.

I've recently turned 37. The 30s are supposed to be the stage where one is already stable, or at least has a regular job. But right now, I am the opposite of that. I feel like a loser. Unemployed. Unfinished with my PhD. Not yet married. No kids. I feel like I am at the lowest of lows in my life right now. It's depressing. I just want to get out of this shithole. My goal is to be somewhere where not a single soul knows me and start my life all over again, on my own terms, being the person I want to be, having a job that I truly like and where I am happy and not exposed to chemicals in the laboratory, where I am surrounded by good people, having my own house, having a good work-life balance, getting to travel to new places and experiencing new cultures.

They say manifestation works, so let's see. Here's a reminder to myself,

Life gets better.

We accept the love we think we deserve

Reading my last post, I felt like my old self was talking to me. She was such in a good place, so far from where I am right now. But she reminded me of important things, such as, to be thankful even with the small things, to be at peace, and to learn to use my time well.

The past weeks, I was an in an emotional rollercoaster ride, better yet, I was an emotional train wreck. At the start of this year, me and my ex have met a few times. And maybe it's because I miss him so much, I started to be comfortable getting close to him again. I know it is not right, especially since we really haven't decided yet what this is all about, but old habits die hard. We were acting as if we're still a couple. We reminded ourselves that we need to talk this through. I was always the one asking questions about the breakup and all that comes after. Eventually, I learned that he was dating someone just two weeks after the breakup, and they were together the whole time he was there in South Korea. I asked him before, three months after the breakup, if he was dating someone and he said no. We were talking sporadically as friends the whole time he was there and for that whole time, he didn't even mention once that he was with someone new. And that lie, even if he is saying he did that because he doesn't want to hurt me more, feels like a knife cutting me deep. It's a fucking lie, a fucking betrayal of my trust. The problem is, him not telling that he was with someone new gave me the idea that there's still a possibility of us getting back together. But I just feel stupid now. That hope, false hope, is so bad. I watched a video about moving on and the person advised that if you are in the process of moving on, it is a bad idea to have hope of you and your ex getting back together. It doesn't matter how tiny that hope is.

Being the person that I am, I tried to ask more about it, even asking to see a photo of her, a photo of them together, whatever. Again, this is not a good idea but I don't want to be left in the dark. And of course, he sent me the pictures. And of course, I felt so hurt again. I'm probably a masochist at its finest.  So much has happened but one thing is for sure, I always go back to the fucking whole time he lied to me and the whole time he was with that girl and how happy and intimate they were together while I was grieving of a love lost. I was fucking miserable. But it just goes to show how deep I loved him. The depth of your love correlates to the hurt you will feel after the relationship ends.

The past weeks, he wanted us to have talks to process all this but he also told me that I can also date other people. I told him I am not that type of person. I would want to settle all this first before I date someone new. To be honest, that setup, of us figuring out if we're gonna push through or not of getting back together felt like being in limbo. It was so heavy, I was hurting, my heart and my trust have been broken, yet I am still open to the possibility of us getting back together. And then it hit me, I was reminded of this: We accept the love we think we deserve. It's a line from one of my favorite movies, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. And fuck him. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve the setup he wants, I don't deserve being lied to, I don't deserve clinging on to something or someone that clearly is unsure of me. I deserve better. I deserve a love as deep as my love. I deserve happiness. I deserve peace of mind.

As of now, I am taking all this as a learning experience, a big learning experience on my part. Maybe this is part of life, you get hurt but you have to gain back your strength and move on carrying within you the lessons you learned. This is not easy but I am also excited to live my life, to love myself again, to focus on the things I have to focus on now (my dissertation is waving still), and to have hope that great things are in store for me.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

*Easy by Commodores playing in the background*

You know that "easy like Sunday morning" feeling?  That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Just chill, relaxed, and at peace in general. There are still problems and uncertainties but I'm making a conscious effort to make this time a relaxing and enjoyable one.

Oh by the way, it's already the 16th of January! Whew, we just welcomed 2022 and now, it's been 16 days already. I hope we're all having a great start of the year. I mean, just being alive and having gotten through the pandemic for two years now is such a big thing already! I am just thankful for everything - though there were difficult times, going through and learning from them builds and strengthens our character.

If there's one thing I want to do better this new year, that would be to learn to use my time well.

Okay, I think that's it. This is just a very short post. Again, I hope you're all doing well. This is late but

  Happy New Year, God bless us all, and may we also be a blessing to others! ♥

Struggling Still

Just dropping by here. I'm still not done writing my thesis and it's been a long time already (~7 months). I'm planning to submit it to my supervisor on the first week of December but there's still a lot that I need to add. I miss my old self where, even though I'm working in the last minute, I had the focus and determination to finish the task on time.

As of now, THE thesis is the priority. I try to stop thinking about all the other uncertainties in my life. A few months ago, I was worrying a lot if I can still stay here in Germany after my contract ends and I was trying to get a job as soon as possible (which until now I haven't landed one yet). I didn't want to go home because the quality of life here is way, way better. But then, the past months have been really hard for me here. I felt so alone, sad, lonely, anxious, and depressed and I miss the warmth and support of my family and friends back home in the Philippines.

I am just super exhausted now, trying to just power through to finish this thesis and trying not to think of my future much (at least at this moment). Sometimes, I am also thinking of quitting but I feel like I'm a big failure if I ever do that. Everything will just be wasted. But of course, quitting is always an option. But I'm also telling myself to do everything in my power now to get through this and if it will not work in the end, at least I know I did everything I can.

Okay, I have to get back to working on my thesis. I really need all the miracle right now, dear Lord.

If you're in the same situation struggling with something, I hope you will not give up and know that eventually you will overcome it. We will overcome this!!!

When I See You

This afternoon, after going to my dentist appointment, I decided to sit on the bench near the park on my way going home. The weather was super nice, warm and bright but there's also a refreshing breeze. I sat there and did a couple of breathing exercise and then ate the ice cream given by my dentist clinic for free. I went back to my apartment but since the weather was really inviting, I went out again to walk to the nearby park and the area around my neighborhood. I was listening to the song, When I See You by Jem Cubil, in my earphone on repeat. And it's just so nice to walk and feel contented and happy while listening to this lovely song...there's warmth and it even feels magical.♥ 

It's been a long time since I felt this way... the feeling of being alive,

of being happy and grateful, 

and simply having some peace of mind. 

Choose To Be Happy

Sharing a part of the homily I listened to this morning:

We are so involved about problems and projects, etc. and we have forgotten the most simple thing to do everyday is to be joyful and to spread joy no matter how little lang.

What? Happiness

Where? In your heart. 

Your joy, your happiness does not or should not depend on things or people or situation outside you. Kasi kung yun po ang definition natin ng happiness, you will never be happy. Because there will never be perfect situation and perfect people...

You just say, "I decide to be happy."

Because the joy of the Lord is my strength. 

It's your decision. So it happens in the heart.

When? Now na!

Don't wait for the time when life is not hard anymore before you decide to be happy. -Nightbirde

Forget being impressive, be expressive.

Let us not spend our whole lifetime doing all kinds of things and we forget what is really, really important. What is important in the end? That we live a meaningful life.

Be joyful, be hopeful, no matter what. Focus on the Lord, not on the load.