Life gets better

It's the first Sunday of March. We're now at the end of the first quarter of the year, Time definitely flies! Today is a bright and warm day but thankfully, we have some breeze making the heat more bearable. As I'm writing, I have this back pain which started yesterday when my upper back suddenly hurt. It was bad and my mind was already thinking of the worst-case scenarios again. But I had to be mindful and control my breathing. And it indeed helped calm me down.

Anyway, onto other things... My supervisor and I have finally finished editing and revising my thesis. Yay! I just need to submit it on or before the 11th of March. I also have applied for application to admission to the doctoral examinations and I am glad my thesis defense committee is also complete. The next step is to schedule my defense and prepare for it. Also, four days from now, I will be having an online interview for a postdoc position. The research topic is not exactly the same as my PhD research but I would say, they are somewhat related. Both deal with cellular organelles and I have a strong feeling I can use my mitochondria background with the research of the group working with extracellular vesicles in the context of kidney diseases. It is exciting and I am so ready to get back to working again. I will now need to use the next three days to prepare for the interview. In my previous interviews, I've been short of specific things which I can now use as parameters in my interview preparation. I hope this interview will be a nice discussion and that I will have a good connection with the Principal Investigator and his group.

Life gets better! Hoping all of us are on track in pursuing our dreams.

My Slow-living Era & North Star

It's a nice Sunday morning. Finally, the sun is out after a couple of days of rain and gloom. The wind is blowing and it's giving me a peaceful feeling. However, in my mind, there is chaos and worries. But will I benefit anything from it if I continue dwelling on those worries? The big answer is NO. As advised by an old friend, "Focus on things you can control, not on the things you can't."

Right now, I am just thankful for the present - for this life, for finally spending some time with my parents after 6 years of being away from them, for the support of my parents because they still took me under their wing even though I am already a grown adult, and for having the privilege of getting to focus on writing my thesis in the comfort of my family home without thinking of rent, of what food I should cook, etc. This, I would say, is my slow-living era. Maybe I need to experience this to have a better perspective of my life, of where I should go, of what I truly want to do, and what steps need to be taken.

As much as I am thankful for this slow-living era, I also want to have a North Star or a dream that will guide me through life's journey.  That North Star is to finally find a country where I truly fit in, have a stable job that I love doing and which I get to do until I retire, have a work-life balanced life, get married to that person who genuinely loves and supports me (with whom I also feel the same), build our own house, start a family, spend more time in nature and traveling, create something (be it an artwork, soap, or perfume), and support my parents in their old age. 

Welcome to this shithole late 30s of mine

I've always thought life is just a continuous process - be born, go to school, graduate, work, go to graduate school (in my case), then work again, get promoted, have a family, and do all the other things we love, then die. I've always thought it's an uphill climb, of course, there are bumps on the way, but we just continue climbing up. But here I am, back to square one. Back in the Philippines, back in my hometown, and living back with my parents. It should be a nice time living with them again, after all those years of being away. But it's not easy, especially if it's been a couple of months already.

I've recently turned 37. The 30s are supposed to be the stage where one is already stable, or at least has a regular job. But right now, I am the opposite of that. I feel like a loser. Unemployed. Unfinished with my PhD. Not yet married. No kids. I feel like I am at the lowest of lows in my life right now. It's depressing. I just want to get out of this shithole. My goal is to be somewhere where not a single soul knows me and start my life all over again, on my own terms, being the person I want to be, having a job that I truly like and where I am happy and not exposed to chemicals in the laboratory, where I am surrounded by good people, having my own house, having a good work-life balance, getting to travel to new places and experiencing new cultures.

They say manifestation works, so let's see. Here's a reminder to myself,

Life gets better.

We accept the love we think we deserve

Reading my last post, I felt like my old self was talking to me. She was such in a good place, so far from where I am right now. But she reminded me of important things, such as, to be thankful even with the small things, to be at peace, and to learn to use my time well.

The past weeks, I was an in an emotional rollercoaster ride, better yet, I was an emotional train wreck. At the start of this year, me and my ex have met a few times. And maybe it's because I miss him so much, I started to be comfortable getting close to him again. I know it is not right, especially since we really haven't decided yet what this is all about, but old habits die hard. We were acting as if we're still a couple. We reminded ourselves that we need to talk this through. I was always the one asking questions about the breakup and all that comes after. Eventually, I learned that he was dating someone just two weeks after the breakup, and they were together the whole time he was there in South Korea. I asked him before, three months after the breakup, if he was dating someone and he said no. We were talking sporadically as friends the whole time he was there and for that whole time, he didn't even mention once that he was with someone new. And that lie, even if he is saying he did that because he doesn't want to hurt me more, feels like a knife cutting me deep. It's a fucking lie, a fucking betrayal of my trust. The problem is, him not telling that he was with someone new gave me the idea that there's still a possibility of us getting back together. But I just feel stupid now. That hope, false hope, is so bad. I watched a video about moving on and the person advised that if you are in the process of moving on, it is a bad idea to have hope of you and your ex getting back together. It doesn't matter how tiny that hope is.

Being the person that I am, I tried to ask more about it, even asking to see a photo of her, a photo of them together, whatever. Again, this is not a good idea but I don't want to be left in the dark. And of course, he sent me the pictures. And of course, I felt so hurt again. I'm probably a masochist at its finest.  So much has happened but one thing is for sure, I always go back to the fucking whole time he lied to me and the whole time he was with that girl and how happy and intimate they were together while I was grieving of a love lost. I was fucking miserable. But it just goes to show how deep I loved him. The depth of your love correlates to the hurt you will feel after the relationship ends.

The past weeks, he wanted us to have talks to process all this but he also told me that I can also date other people. I told him I am not that type of person. I would want to settle all this first before I date someone new. To be honest, that setup, of us figuring out if we're gonna push through or not of getting back together felt like being in limbo. It was so heavy, I was hurting, my heart and my trust have been broken, yet I am still open to the possibility of us getting back together. And then it hit me, I was reminded of this: We accept the love we think we deserve. It's a line from one of my favorite movies, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. And fuck him. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve the setup he wants, I don't deserve being lied to, I don't deserve clinging on to something or someone that clearly is unsure of me. I deserve better. I deserve a love as deep as my love. I deserve happiness. I deserve peace of mind.

As of now, I am taking all this as a learning experience, a big learning experience on my part. Maybe this is part of life, you get hurt but you have to gain back your strength and move on carrying within you the lessons you learned. This is not easy but I am also excited to live my life, to love myself again, to focus on the things I have to focus on now (my dissertation is waving still), and to have hope that great things are in store for me.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

*Easy by Commodores playing in the background*

You know that "easy like Sunday morning" feeling?  That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Just chill, relaxed, and at peace in general. There are still problems and uncertainties but I'm making a conscious effort to make this time a relaxing and enjoyable one.

Oh by the way, it's already the 16th of January! Whew, we just welcomed 2022 and now, it's been 16 days already. I hope we're all having a great start of the year. I mean, just being alive and having gotten through the pandemic for two years now is such a big thing already! I am just thankful for everything - though there were difficult times, going through and learning from them builds and strengthens our character.

If there's one thing I want to do better this new year, that would be to learn to use my time well.

Okay, I think that's it. This is just a very short post. Again, I hope you're all doing well. This is late but

  Happy New Year, God bless us all, and may we also be a blessing to others! ♥

Struggling Still

Just dropping by here. I'm still not done writing my thesis and it's been a long time already (~7 months). I'm planning to submit it to my supervisor on the first week of December but there's still a lot that I need to add. I miss my old self where, even though I'm working in the last minute, I had the focus and determination to finish the task on time.

As of now, THE thesis is the priority. I try to stop thinking about all the other uncertainties in my life. A few months ago, I was worrying a lot if I can still stay here in Germany after my contract ends and I was trying to get a job as soon as possible (which until now I haven't landed one yet). I didn't want to go home because the quality of life here is way, way better. But then, the past months have been really hard for me here. I felt so alone, sad, lonely, anxious, and depressed and I miss the warmth and support of my family and friends back home in the Philippines.

I am just super exhausted now, trying to just power through to finish this thesis and trying not to think of my future much (at least at this moment). Sometimes, I am also thinking of quitting but I feel like I'm a big failure if I ever do that. Everything will just be wasted. But of course, quitting is always an option. But I'm also telling myself to do everything in my power now to get through this and if it will not work in the end, at least I know I did everything I can.

Okay, I have to get back to working on my thesis. I really need all the miracle right now, dear Lord.

If you're in the same situation struggling with something, I hope you will not give up and know that eventually you will overcome it. We will overcome this!!!

When I See You

This afternoon, after going to my dentist appointment, I decided to sit on the bench near the park on my way going home. The weather was super nice, warm and bright but there's also a refreshing breeze. I sat there and did a couple of breathing exercise and then ate the ice cream given by my dentist clinic for free. I went back to my apartment but since the weather was really inviting, I went out again to walk to the nearby park and the area around my neighborhood. I was listening to the song, When I See You by Jem Cubil, in my earphone on repeat. And it's just so nice to walk and feel contented and happy while listening to this lovely song...there's warmth and it even feels magical.♥ 

It's been a long time since I felt this way... the feeling of being alive,

of being happy and grateful, 

and simply having some peace of mind. 

Choose To Be Happy

Sharing a part of the homily I listened to this morning:

We are so involved about problems and projects, etc. and we have forgotten the most simple thing to do everyday is to be joyful and to spread joy no matter how little lang.

What? Happiness

Where? In your heart. 

Your joy, your happiness does not or should not depend on things or people or situation outside you. Kasi kung yun po ang definition natin ng happiness, you will never be happy. Because there will never be perfect situation and perfect people...

You just say, "I decide to be happy."

Because the joy of the Lord is my strength. 

It's your decision. So it happens in the heart.

When? Now na!

Don't wait for the time when life is not hard anymore before you decide to be happy. -Nightbirde

Forget being impressive, be expressive.

Let us not spend our whole lifetime doing all kinds of things and we forget what is really, really important. What is important in the end? That we live a meaningful life.

Be joyful, be hopeful, no matter what. Focus on the Lord, not on the load.

Life update

I just got back from an hour of walk. The whole day, I was just inside my apartment but late in the afternoon, I decided to go out and get some bubble milk tea. I was thinking of going to the tea place near the Dom (Köln Cathedral) but saw that there's a tea place a few blocks away from my apartment.  So there I was, walking while drinking my milk tea under the grey and gloomy sky. But, at least, it's not raining. 

As always, I feel like it's been ages since I last wrote an entry here. But here I am. This is just going to be a brain dump of all my thoughts right now. So please bear with me.

Sometimes, I think to myself, how did I even get to this point? I am already 34 years old and in my ideal world, I should have my own family right now - a loving husband, one or two kids. I should have a stable career, a house with a garden, a car, and a dog maybe. Instead, here I am, struggling with my dissertation, single, and living a life of anxiety. I feel like everyday, I am just getting by, not really living life to the fullest. I also have this big fear with regards to my health. Those thoughts of, "What if I have something?" But at the same time, I am also hoping I don't have anything serious. I still have the discomfort in my bones. My hands are trembling and the muscle near my mouth is still moving involuntarily whenever I try to smile. My neurologist ordered me to have an MRI and a blood test to check my thyroid hormone levels. When the results are sent to my neurologist, they will contact me. However, it's already almost three weeks since the MRI was made. And up to now, I still haven't received a call from them. The wait is really making me very anxious and sometimes, my mind goes into overthinking. I tried contacting them last week but to no avail. I am just hoping that I hear from them soon and that my tests are normal. Or whatever condition I have, that it is still curable.

Being single and living alone is not easy. In my 20s, I was enjoying it. I've always wanted to be in a relationship with someone but during that time I didn't mind being on my own. I felt like there's so much to explore and that I still have a lot of time. But fast forward to the present, and being a woman in her mid-30s, I am longing to be with a kind, wonderful, and committed man, to be in a loving and lasting relationship, to be married, and to have our own kids. I long to have a family. I am still praying that one day, that will happen. Hopefully, soon.

Right now, I feel like I am just at this low stage in my life. You know, like a diamond in the rough that is still being processed and polished...

I remember in my first counselling session, my therapist told me that I should be my own best friend. That I should be kinder to myself. And she is right. The best thing that I can do right now is to be my own best friend.

Though my life is a "diamond in the rough" at this time, I would like to share a happy moment last weekend with my friends. It's just nice to be able to spend quality time with them. Also, the weather was bright and warm, which really helps uplift the mood.

Fear and intense emotions all rolled into one

 I have just finished a crying session. Yes, a crying session.

How did I even get to this point?

This low point.

This dark place.

Fear and intense emotions all rolled into one. 

My whole world is just spinning  in all these:

• anxiety (general anxiety and health anxiety)
• stress
• sadness
• loneliness

Being surrounded with wonderful and genuine people

 Just dropping by to say that this is one of the best days so far for this year 2021.😊

After a very depressing holiday season, I am so glad I'm finally back at the research institute. Yesterday was my first work day of the year. It was nice to finally be out of my apartment, ride my bike going to work, and see and meet people (aka my labmates and colleagues) in person. And in the evening, as I was about to go home, I saw one of the undergrad students, Joelle, in the lab. We had the usual "How are you? How did you celebrate the New Year?" conversation and then we talked more about various stuff (like literally jumping from one topic to another) and next thing we know, it's already quarter to 9 in the evening! I think we were talking for almost 2 hours! But it was really, really nice to be able to talk to someone again, to have a human interaction, and a good connection. And since both of us are living very close to each other, we both went home riding our bikes, still talking with each other. That kind of moment is really something that I treasure.

And today, she and Quinn (another undergrad student), surprised me with a birthday cake and some gifts. I really had no clue that they will do that. They are just so thoughtful and amazing!💛

The picture above are their gifts for me. And I love each of the item! And the picture below is a gift from our officemate, Ole. She is also one of the closest people I have in the institute. It's just wonderful to meet nice and genuine people even at the workplace. And I'm just excited to read this new book she gave me.

Today, I am reminded that even though I was so down and depressed a couple of days ago, God is surrounding me now with kind and genuine people who bring sunshine in my life. And I am just so so grateful for that!

Life Goals for this New Year

It's the first day of 2021 and here I am in my little apartment listening and singing along to sad love songs. Yes, sad love songs... What a way to spend the first day of the year, right? Last night, after having dinner, I had an intense crying moment again. I just poured my heart out. I cried. I prayed. I talked to God. And I cried more and more. This morning, I still feel sad and lonely but, surprisingly, there's also some kind of peace. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm just feeling all the emotions and hopefully they will soon be replaced with happiness and contentment.

Moving on, the start of the year should be spent with a good outlook of the future and on how we are going to spend the coming months. So for me, my 2021 goals are as follows:

1. Start learning German (which I should probably have started years ago)
2. Start writing my dissertation
3. Finish writing the dissertation by the middle of the year
4. Successfully defend my thesis in the third quarter
5. Find a job before graduating
6. Transfer to a new and bigger apartment that comes with a balcony and a lovely kitchen (I also need to transfer because my current apartment just makes me lonely and reminds me of my past relationship)
7. Create new hobbies and meet new people (this is kind of tricky with this pandemic situation)
8. Find a love that will stay (specifically a man that loves and respects me and will be committed to our relationship and our future marriage)
9. Take and pass B1 German language exam and German Naturalization Test
10. Apply for permanent residency

These are all big things and just thinking about them now really overwhelms me. But it is still good to have some direction in life, right? And I hope that God will continue to give me good health, keep me safe, and give me the wisdom and courage to live life according to his will, and to live life to the fullest.

To anyone reading this, I hope you will have a great and wonderful year! And whatever problem/struggle you have, I hope you will not give up. May you continue to live with purpose.

We can all do this!

2020: The Hardest Year

Today is the last day of this roller coaster ride of a year that is 2020. With the Covid-19 pandemic, everyone of us has been affected by it, one way or another. This has been an unprecedented time in history. 

This year has also been the hardest for me personally. In the first and second quarters, the first wave of pandemic hit Germany and this has definitely affected my mental health. I easily get paranoid in a normal setting, and imagine, how much more in a setting living in the middle of a pandemic...alone? That has really struck me. During the lockdown in April, I had to work from home. At first, I thought it would be a nice break from working in the lab. But boy I was wrong! I was dreading when it's starting to get dark, early afternoon until evening because I feel this mix of emotions - loneliness, sadness, fear that something bad might suddenly happen to me and I'm just alone, fear of sleeping (because what if I suddenly die in my sleep?), and fear for what if something bad happens to my parents and brother and we all are in different parts of the world. I've had this covid-19 anxiety and sleep anxiety. Every night, it's either I don't easily sleep or I try not to sleep because I am just too afraid. It's like living in a bubble full of fear. 

In the third quarter, things started to become better. I was already back to working at the institute. I also got used to living in this pandemic. I wasn't too paranoid anymore. It's a beautiful summer and the restrictions are easing down. Me and my boyfriend also spent a lot of time together. I think, for my part, it was also because I know he will be going to South Korea soon so we really had to maximize our time. We also started to spend more time with his wonderful and welcoming family - his parents, brother, and the kids of his brother.

Then came the fourth quarter. Our relationship didn't work out. It was my first heartbreak and I felt that everything just came down, everything was just wasted. It was something I haven't experienced before and even though I have an idea of what it is like through movies, novels, and personal experiences of friends, I still didn't expect it would be that hard. I was hurting and having all sorts of emotions one can imagine. It was so bad and so hard but there's no way but to move on. They say time heals and maybe it does. It's been two months now. I would say it is not as bad as before but all those feelings are still here. It may not be like the 24/7 experience I had before but it's still here, it comes and it goes and it comes again. And aside from heartbreak, I also had a health-scare that started two weeks ago. Actually until now, I am still enveloped by it. I had some redness in an area in my breast and I started looking things up in the internet. This is not a good thing because every worst case scenario is there in different sites and it really scared me. I had a consultation with my ob-gyn and a doctor at the Uniklinik Breast Center. They both did an ultrasound and aside from the cysts which they say are normal, they found nothing. The doctor at the Breast Center recommended that I go see a dermatologist. However, if the redness wasn't treated or if it progresses, he will do a biopsy. So this whole time, with the ultrasound result, I am relieved, but I am also scared/hanging as long as this redness is still here in my body. I also started having pains in my bones, specifically pelvic bone and ribcage. I also have this feeling like I have a fever but when I check with my thermometer, it's normal. And the sleep problem also came back again, this time much worse. 

And the worst part of all, I am just here alone - far from my family and far from the the person I considered the love of my life. This has really been the worst time of my life but I'm hoping that through God, I will be able to overcome all these struggles. All I wish for this new year is good health for my parents and brother, for Robert's parents, for Robert, and for me. I also hope that next year, I will no longer be alone, that someone will finally come into my life to love me and to stay.

Goodbye 2020.

Hello new year! Hello 2021! Please be kind to us.

Heartbroken

 This year is really something and a lot has happened since I last wrote an entry here. There were good and memorable times, however, recently, I've been spending one of the hardest days of my life.

How do you handle having your heart broken?

How do you continue living your life while at the same time letting go of someone you love even though you still have feelings for him?

How do you convince yourself to stop loving him?

How do you start all over again?

Heartbreak is a complex process. The past days and until now, my emotions were all over the place. I was hurting so bad. There were times where I feel angry. There were moments where I was just engulfed with sadness. There were times where I was questioning myself over and over again of the "what ifs". It's been a week now and to be honest, I don't know when this will end. Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting crazy already. (But geez, isn't it amazing how our brain can handle all those complex emotions?)

My only distraction now is work. Good thing, I have the weekdays to go to the institute and continue doing my experiments. For the first time, work has become therapeutic. But at the end of the day, when I am just alone, all those feelings flood back again. 

I don't care anymore if I will still find someone who will love me, all I want is to be able to get through this hurting and live a life where I feel happy and contented, even if I'm just on my own.

Of Feelings and Musings

Today is a holiday here in Germany. It is Ascension Day where the ascension of Christ is remembered and celebrated. And fittingly, as I woke up, I was greeted by a wonderful sunny and perfect weather - not too hot and not too cold. It is such a beautiful day and just knowing that this is also the time where Jesus Christ went to heaven, it just makes my heart feel happy and calm. I also thank God for this day because last night was completely different. What happened was after watching a light and fun coming-of-age series in Netflix (Never Have I Ever) and as I was thinking of what to eat for dinner, I suddenly bursted into crying. You know, suddenly, feeling of fear and uncertainty came back rushing like a flash flood.... Those were the same feelings I had weeks before, when we were in the middle of quarantine. 

I wasn't really feeling well yesterday, had some body pains so I was just literally resting in my bed. I was also a bit paranoid because last Monday, while I was at the park sitting on the grass alone just to have some sun, a man came up to me selling some magazines. I really couldn't understand him because he was speaking in German but with his actions, I realized he was selling the magazines in his hand. I just said, "No." and then he left.  I was paranoid because what if he was infected and the fudge, he wasn't even wearing a mask. I wasn't also wearing a mask. But I was just there in the park not planning to talk to anyone. I wanted to tell him not to talk to me because of the coronavirus but I didn't want to be rude and besides he might not also understand me. So yeah, I just hope he is not infected. So last night, I thought what if I get the virus because of him and I get really sick and I am just alone here and what if I die...in a foreign country, far from my family? And then I also thought about my family - my parents back in the Philippines who are quite old and just on their own and my brother in Australia who is working as a nurse and handling covid-19 positive patients. It's like an avalanche of worries in my brain and I cried for a couple of minutes. I messaged my partner about all those things and he said that it might be better if I consult a therapist. And maybe he is right. Maybe I need help. He also reminded me to take my drops. It was an anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor since I wasn't able to properly sleep several weeks ago.

Even though I was just typing all this, I already feel drained and tired now. I think this pandemic has really hit me mentally and emotionally. I'll stop now and try to relax and calm myself again.

Keep safe and healthy everyone! I hope things will get back to normal again and a vaccine will finally be developed for this freakin' pandemic.

True love is like a mixture of friendship, appreciation, and happiness. ♥

-Anonymous

Life Update

What a difference a year makes!

Today is the 26th of April 2020, 5:30 in the afternoon, and I am here inside my apartment. I've actually been literally inside my apartment for a month and a week now due to the Covid-19 pandemic.  As I was reading my last post here in this blog, which was an emo/dramatic experience, I was thinking - My past self back then would have never ever even imagine the situation I am and the whole world is in right now. 

People around the world are living in strange and difficult times. Strange because at present, with our modern practices and technology, we are still grappled by this novel coronavirus, officially called SARS-CoV-2 (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Corona Virus 2). A pandemic has occurred before during the early 1900s and in this freakin' year 2020, history is repeating itself. Difficult because millions of people have already been infected and hundreds of thousands have already died and the front liners - doctors, nurses, and other people in the medical field - are risking their lives everyday to help the infected patients. Different countries have imposed lockdowns to prevent the spread of the virus. Social distancing, proper hygiene (always washing one's hands, avoiding touching one's face), and the use of masks have been implemented to flatten the infection curve to avoid overwhelming the healthcare system. Schools, restaurants, cinemas, and other establishments have been closed. Events which involve large gathering of people have been cancelled.

With all these happening, personally, it's just too much to take in. The first few weeks that the quarantine has been imposed, I was thinking this would be a way to have a break from my everyday experiments at work but then, I was also feeling anxious knowing the numbers and how easily the infection spreads. It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions from that moment on - anxiety, depression, loneliness. There were nights were I would wake up in the middle of the night and just stay awake for 2 to 4 hours. There were mornings were I was thinking if all of this is just a bad dream. But, unfortunately, it's the reality. Whenever I have to do essential stuff, like buying my groceries and doing my laundry at the laundromat/waschalon, I was always nervous that I might contract it from other people. It's like I am in Hunger Games trying to survive day by day. This is our reality now and things will not get to normal until a vaccine is developed. The silver lining though is that - the last time I checked, there are now 81 groups or companies that are doing clinical trials for the development of a vaccine. They say the earliest that a vaccine would be developed is next year, so hopefully, these groups will be successful. 

These past days, I've been experiencing irritated throat and body and joint pains. Last Thursday, I called the doctor and told my symptoms and also told her I was scared if this is already Covid-19. She recommended that I go to the testing center. The next day, I went to the Uniklinik testing center and had the swab test. They sent me the result on the afternoon but I only got to check it on Saturday...and thank God it was negative! Such good news and a big relief!

With regards to other aspects of my life:

1) I should be writing my thesis during this quarantine but I just find it hard to focus. Sadly, I am always procrastinating. I don't have the motivation anymore unlike when I was younger. This is terrible but I hope to get back on track again. I need motivation, focus, determination, perseverance, and the momentum to read the journal articles and start writing some parts of my thesis. 

2) The long awaited, long hoped for happened - I finally met someone who likes me, cares for me, treats me as an equal, and respects me as a person. We may be from different countries but his personality definitely complements mine. He is the third person I met up with on Tinder. We had our first date May of last year and after 8 months of getting to know each other, we have decided to start a relationship. It's been 4 months now and I'm just happy and thankful. It's just amazing to finally meet the person you've been praying for all these years and it made me realized that God truly grant the desires of our hearts.

I guess that's it for my life update. I hope we all continue to stay healthy and safe!

On being heartbroken and sticking to your convictions

Time check: 12:54 AM

I never thought I'd write in this blog again but here I am.

Last night was one of those sad and lonely nights. I was full of emotions and thoughts.

Few minutes before 7:00 PM, dressed in a long, blue patterned maxi, I was hurriedly walking along the streets of Cologne to make sure that I will not be late. Thankfully, I arrived on time. The weather was perfect. Summer came in early, specifically the third week of April. I picked up my phone and was supposed to message him that I was already there in our meeting place, in front of Starbucks. Then, as I turned, I saw this tall, young man. We looked at each other. And he said my name. We greeted each other and as I was about to extend my hand for a handshake, I saw him giving me a hug. I also hugged him and felt his cheeks near the temple of my head. He was very tall - 6 feet 3 inches. We then headed to the restaurant. It serves Spanish cuisine. We ordered a plate of Tapas, fried potatoes, goat cheese, and two glasses of wine - red wine for him and rosé for me. I wanted to take a picture of the food (because it looks so pretty but also, because I wanted to have a souvenir of our first date) but I got so shy I decided to just not do it. We had a nice conversation, delving on different topics - from our courses in the university to the countries we've been and the experiences we had along the way to our current situation. He was easy to talk to and I felt like we had a good rapport with each other. But that was up until he brought the question, "Why are you on Tinder?" Of course I said my intention which was to meet new people and if our personalities complement each other then that's a big bonus even though the probability is very low. And, indeed, it is very low.  When it's his turn, he directly told me his intention, which was just to have sex. He said he just broke up with his girlfriend so he is not yet ready to be in a relationship but he's only looking for casual sex. And right after he said that, my world just turned upside down. Deep in my heart, I was hoping he would say something different. Suddenly, I told him that we're in the exact opposite ends of the spectrum. We talked about how sex is just a normal part of life, of young and old, here in Germany. Then after some time, we changed the topic. I tried to forget what we just talked about but it's been said and done. The whole dinner and conversations lasted for almost three hours. We talked some more while walking. When we reached the nearby area where he will take the tram, we said our goodbyes. He wished me luck in my research and in meeting new people. I wished him the same. He said something along the lines of "Who knows, maybe we'll meet again." I just couldn't remember his exact words. And then I walked away.

I walked feeling sad, feeling like I lose a good catch because he is indeed a good catch. He almost ticked the things that I want in a man:

• intelligent
• doesn't smoke
• has a good and stable job (He's an engineer.)
• tall
• neat
• kind

And those direct eye contact while talking with each other. Maybe it's a German thing, but the way he looked at my eyes, it says that he is really paying attention.

It was all gone. I will never have someone like him in my life.

When I arrived in my apartment, thoughts came rushing in my head again. If only I also want what he wants. If only it's just easy for me to give up what I believe in... But it's not! In the end, I still stand on my convictions, on things that I believe are right, on things that have shaped my younger years and still play a role in my present self.

Berlin: LUMAS The Liberation of Art

Two weeks ago, I had a workshop in Berlin with other PhD students (five days spent learning and discussing important topics). Our free times were only during the evenings and on the 1st of February, we joined a walking tour in Berlin.

Our first stop was an art gallery called LUMAS. The exhibit was of modern and urban photo art. I am not an expert when it comes to artsy stuff but I have to say that the artworks are rich in color and dimension. I actually did not expect it to be like that because somehow, modern, specifically urban art, doesn't have that much appeal to me compared to paintings of the olden times (Romantic era). But seeing all the artworks in the LUMAS gallery, I am now dreaming of owning one or more and putting them in my future house.

Took a few snaps and look at how gorgeous those artworks are.

If you want to see more of the artworks, you can visit their website here.

*all images taken by me

Day 5 of Social Media Detox

Just dropping by for a quick update.

It's been five days already since I deactivated my facebook, messenger, and instagram. Yay! So far, so good! It's hard on the first day but the next days weren't so bad as I thought they would be.☺

However, it's been four days already of me being stressed out with my project proposal. The first two days were actually spent feeling like in a limbo - it was difficult to find focus and gain momentum in writing, been reading scientific articles but nothing comes to mind when I tried to write. The third day was the start of finding the light I needed. Slowly, ideas came up and I began to start writing until the wee hours of the morning (slept at 3:30 am). The fourth day, which was today, I felt stuck again. There's not much of an improvement. My mind is so slow in developing and paraphrasing sentences. I miss the time during my undergraduate years when I can just compose and finish a paper overnight.

With all the stress I am facing now (hello to my zombie self with bloodshot eyes) and remembering my New Year's thought that I'd be kinder to myself, I decided to have dinner in a Thai restaurant (aka date with my self). Ordered pad thai, which was so delicious, and peppermint tea to calm my senses. I have to say I'm quite lucky because the tea wasn't in a tea bag, instead it's made of fresh peppermint leaves!

I am now back in my apartment and just had a cup of coffee to get me through the night. I just hope that I can finally finish my project proposal (starting to actually get teary-eyed now).

To the person (or people) who get to see this blog, I hope your 2018 is off to a great start!